This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
Meditation is a totally cool thing. However, doing it in public can
attract unwarranted attention and, let's face it, when you've tied your
legs in knots and you are blissfully unaware of your surroundings, you
are more than slightly vulnerable to attack.
This apparently didn't stop Siddharta Gottama (the Buddha) from practising
it, until one day a King took his harem out into the forest where the
Buddha had taken refuge. Whilst exploring the area, the King's wives found
the Buddha's shelter and went in.
The King arrived, and in a fit of jealous rage he chopped off one of the
Buddha's arms. This violent measure elicited no response [1]. He then
proceeded to chop off the other arm. Still gaining no satisfactory
response from the mellow dude, he completed his dismembering activities and
left with his wives. The Buddha was totally non-fazed by this butcherous
assault and completely forgave his murderer in the interest of following
his path to enlightenment.
Hints
=====
1) Don't go to evening classes to learn how to mediate. There is
always some moron fiddling, twitching, making silly noises,
farting etc. Also the clocks in classrooms and lecture
theatres are incredibly loud. More importantly, what is the
point in paying to practice doing nothing. You might as well
do it at home. Or better still, while you are at work,
getting paid for it [2].
2) Do set your alarm clock. A good enlightenment can keep you
tripping for ages and time loses all sense of proportion. You
could wake up 5 minutes later, 5 days later, or sometimes even
23 minutes before you entered the magic state. If you are
really unlucky, you could wake up while you should have been
at work, finding your boss in the office firing you.
3) Don't get smug because you are doing so well. Thinking that
you are meditating, and actually meditating are mutually
exclusive states of being. Unless of course you were
meditating on meditation [3]. But what would be the use in
that?
[1] An alternative explanation of what occurred has been speculated about
for some time. One of the King's wives is reported to have witnessed
the event in great detail. Apparently the Buddha was asleep with his
eyes open, and failed to notice the approach of the group and the
initial attack with the sword. Startled by the sudden loss of a limb,
the Buddha awoke with a jolt and subsequently he severely bit his
tongue. His moans and groans were interpreted to be part of a mantra
(chant) and helped to give the impression of continued meditation. As
he became aware of what was really happening to him, he began to
formulate a plan. It was at this point that the second blow fell. He
now realised that his plan to escape was doomed. With no arms, he
could not unfurl his legs from the lotus position, and had no escape
from his persecutor. He could not fight (not that he was inclined to
do that anyway) and neither could he beg for mercy due to his inability
to speak. Certain death awaited him, but he learned from his
experience. Never again did he meditate where people could find him.
Probably.
[2] Or better still, on Sundays, when you are on double time.
[3] Meditating on medication is more enjoyable.