This article is classified "Real"
When encountering English-speaking human beings and initializing
communication, it is very important to follow linguistic convention.
First of all this means that in order to be understood it does not make
any sense to try and be creative in terms of changing the arbitrary, but
nevertheless conventional, relation between form and meaning.
So if you intend to inquire the way to the next bar, asking "Honey, will
you please paint my Lederhosen purple" won't do; at least you are very
unlikely to receive what might be called a satisfactory answer -- even
though you have taken great caution to say "please" as your Mum always
told you to. (On the other hand you might learn a lot about the human
psyche). Yet, if you need a drink really badly, it is much more effective
to stick to conventions.
Linguistic convention is quite a tricky thing since it varies with the time
and place you encounter a person as well as with the person's cultural
background. You might have struggled for a long time to get your vocabulary
straight and you might have accepted that what in your language means "I
feel you are al really nice person" means in English "Do you mind if I poke
out your right eyeball and chew on it for five minutes," but once you
enthusiastically go for some practice, you are bound to realize that it is
not that easy.
In order to illustrate the complexity of the problem, I will illustrate
several examples which at the same time may help you to deal with situations
without making others consider you a complete, utterly bewildered, freak.
1) If someone tells you "it's raining cats and dogs," do not run
to get your frying pan, even though your name might be ALF.
2) If someone tells you "my goose is cooked," do not ask what kind
of sauce comes with it or wait for a meal to be served.
3) If someone says that his "plans went down the drain," do not
run to the bathroom to save them or call a plummer.
4) Do not ask for the real McCoy's first name or address.
5) If someone is described by "his fingers are all thumbs," you'd
better not ask for the cause of this tragic mutation.
6) Something that's all Greek to someone does not mean you need to
learn yet another language.
7) Should someone tell you to cut off your nose to spite your
face, do not run for a mirror in panic. Chances are very good
that she might have used this phrase idiomatically. A quick,
discrete touch to the middle of your face will usually do -- if
you actually can't feel your nose any more you still have the
option of panicking wildly.
8) If you visit a priest who is said to have bats in the belfry,
do not stay awake the whole night because you're afraid of
vampires. Chances are good that he simply has bees in his
bonnet.
9) If you're asked to turn a blind eye, there is no need to do
the oedipus.
10) If you meet someone who was characterized as a goody-goody,
do under no circumstances try and unwrap or suck on them
without their explicit permission.
11) Do not try and sell anything to someone who is referred to as
a smooth customer.
12) If you're told to save your bacon, do not store it in the
fridge until it grows bad; taking it to the bank probably
won't do either.
13) If someone is announced to soon show their true colours, do
not expect them to behave like a chameleon.
14) If you're advised to make hay while the sun shines, do not
expect to be involved in any agricultural activity.
15) If you're told not to tread on someone's toes, it is probably
not your feet you have to mind.
16) If you're told to go jump in a lake - simply don't. You might
end up with a fierce pneumonia, especially in winter.
17) If you're told something "between you, me, and the gatepost,"
do not afterwards try to have a conversation about it with
the gatepost.
Of course these few examples are just the beginning of it. As experience
grows, you might find out that English-speaking Earthlings don't give a
damn about making themselves clear to you, but impatiently expect you to do
so. They might say "softly, softly, cathee monkey," thinking to have made
themselves completely understood, yet when you reply "swiftly, swiftly,
rubbee toeee" all you will probably get is an exceedingly estranged glance.
They say things like "hurly-burly," "Higgeldy-Piggeldy," or "Idiosyncrasy,"
but when you enthusiastically reply "gabanga ol!," "paggody-waggody," or
"Distoxifilimetrifcationalization," you will probably not be granted a great
amount of understanding feedback.
So, mind your words, traveller, and be aware of the strangeness language is
bound to bring with it. This article is of course not meant to discourage
you: with language it's hit or miss, it's really no picnic and sometimes
you're close to fly off the handle, but there's no reason to sneak of with
your tail between your legs or to hit the roof, since fortune favors fools,
so you might just be lucky. And who knows, if you're the luckiest of
untalented earth language dwarfs, chances are good you'll be discovered,
become an avant-garde poet and make lots of lolly!