This article is classified "Real"
The arse-end of the 20th century saw the development of the widespread
use of a new form of communication. In order to transmit their
thoughts to others, humans would allow the neurons of their brain to
influence muscle spasms, contractions and relaxations in their arms
and hands, resulting in the minor repetitive movement of their hand
digits.
Coupled with the movements of the arm these digits would then apply a
pressure onto one of over one hundred different pieces of plastic.
Each one of these would then send a fixed pattern of pulses of
electricity into a digital machine. The continued cycling of
electricity would send these pulses round and round little wires,
until a final fixed pattern of pulses would cause the digital machine
to rotate a magnetically charged circular piece of metal. At the
same time the machine would subtly alter a small section of this
magnetism with some accordance to the digital pulses still running
around inside the machine.
The further muscle contractions and pressure application by the
human body cause a succession of digital pulses which then cause a
motor to be powered, which once again causes the magnetically charged
circular piece of metal to rotate. This in turn makes the magnetic
charging of the metal induce a series of currents in other wires,
which make the pattern of electronic pulses fire around the wires in
a slightly different way to before.
Further muscle contractions and subsequent button presses cause
a new set of particularly long wires to be brought into use, called
"Telephone wires". Pulses are transmitted particularly slowly across a
geographically small distance between two, or more often three, four,
five or even more digital machines.
By a symmetrical process of digital transfer, electronic pulses, more
digital transfer, more electronic pulses, further digital pulses and
several other wastes of perfectly good power, a specific set of similar
pulses finally finds its way onto another digital machine a small
distance away from the first. Another creature (often a deformed or
socially inadequate human being) uses a "Complex" system to convert the
pulses into beams of particles onto a screen in a fixed pattern of
symbols. These can then be 'easily' misread and misinterpreted by the
eventual recipient by passing it through millions of individual mental
processes that rely on primitive human biology.
In order to respond to this message, the second being is merely required
to do all of that again.
In true human style they call this "E-mail" and believe it to be a
particularly efficient form of communication.
Every new toy brings its novelties and its drawbacks and "E-mail" is no
exception; alongside factors such as mindless hair replacement therapy
advertising, "Get rich quick" notices and E-mail pen friends, any
traveller wishing to utilise this digital nightmare should be aware of
the existence of "E-mail war".
E-mail war is a battle whereby E-mail messages are sent from one
person to two or more people of their acquaintance, in which they say
nothing of any importance; but much of passing interest or otherwise
instead. Both recipients send their responses to both the sender and
the other recipient. By the principles of exponential growth, each
"Wave" of E-mails multiplies the total number (hereby referred to as
"Ammunition") by a factor of 3.
Since no waves are consistent (due largely to the fact that humans are
utterly unreliable), this growth is inconsistent and growth is
sporadic. If you engage in a war and leave your terminal for more than
24 hours you may find yourself on the receiving end of in excess of 100
meaningless, petty, vindictive, surreal, bizarre, confused, nonsensical
and quite big E-mails. If you fail to have replied to each and every
one of these within the same period of time, then everybody else in the
war will laugh at you, like this:
"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"