This article is classified "Fictional"
To help all those people who somehow never find the time to follow a first aid course, here's a list of how to treat some of the more common accidents. Electrocution ============= Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, switch off the power immediately. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to waste. Check the victim's pulse (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it. Drive the victim to the nearest emergency room. You can use him/her to jump start the engine as well if need be. Treating Burns And Scalds ========================= Run the affected area under cold tap water as soon as possible (if the victim's entire body is a swirling mass of flames, it may a little too late for this). If the victim has spilled hot liquid over his/her clothes, then remove clothing immediately. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example. Fractures And Broken Limbs ========================== Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always perks them up. Tie a splint to the victim's leg and ask them to walk back and forth for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier. Do not move the broken or fractured limb, as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh. Choking On Food =============== Try to dislodge the article blocking the victim's windpipe by punching them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however. Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time. Cuts And Wounds =============== Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victim's throat until they experience difficulty in breathing. Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my little joke. Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire. Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know. Objects Stuck In Victim's Eye ============================= Rinse the victim's eye in lukewarm water. Do not use soap as well, idiot! Offer to pick the object out of the victim's eye with your teeth. This usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it. Concussion ---------- When the victim comes around, ask them what day it is, who the President is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Talk in Swahili to disorient the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion. Here's a good one: before the victim comes around, switch off all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We though you might be dead, or blinded or something."