This article is classified "Real"
Lobsters, everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only
proper method of preparing them [1]. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate
your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
cooked.
The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea
floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster
behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say,
"Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a
scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural
apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may
even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into
the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be,
too.
[1] Editor's note: actually, this is the proper method for preparing crabs.
To get the tenderest flesh, lobster should be first drowned in fresh
water.