This article is classified "Fictional"
Everyone knows about the tooth fairy, right? She's the 3-inch high little
imp that trades your missing teeth for her spare change. Besides that, what
do we really know about her? Well, more than you probably realize. From
this day forward, I share that information with you.
Fairy Homes
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Fairies like the Tooth Fairy (who prefers to be called Grizelda) do not live
in the sky like most people believe. Others believe that Grizelda builds a
large castle out of teeth for her family. That just isn't the case, though
[1]. The fairies live in the rain forests of Brazil, lost beneath the thick
foliage of vines and moss -- hoping to be undiscovered by humans for at least
another decade or two (but with our rate of jungle-burning, this seems just
a tad unlikely). The moisture in the tree sap keeps the teeth preserved for
many years.
Where Do The Teeth Go?
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This is a fairly common question among youngsters, and several senile old
men who no longer have any teeth. The answer is quite simple, and most
people have figured it out with little thought. Grizelda has a workshop
where her children (each one called 'fairchild' [2]) take the preserved
teeth, coat them with a special gel called amphetalax, and produce dentures
(which get sold back to the people who originally gave up their teeth). This
is a relatively new process, really. Before Grizelda was born in 1946,
dentures were made of wood.
How Do Fairies Reproduce?
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Well, unlike other humanoid beings, fairies are all female (besides the
king) so cannot reproduce the 'natural' way. So to compensate for this,
they were forced to resort to cloning. And at a rapid rate! Fairies live
no more than seven years. Grizelda has been cloned over and over again [3].
The Bloody Head Fairy
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This creature, featured on "The Ren And Stimpy Show" is not a true fairy at
all. It is really a cursed ogre and is not to be trusted. On slow nights
when bloody heads cannot be found, it makes its own bloody head if you know
what I mean.
If you come in contact with this beast, start chanting "Rudolph The
Red-Nosed Reindeer" backwards, or perhaps just run. You do not want to have
a conversation with this guy -- if his breath doesn't kill you, his
knowledge and fascination for the New York Jets will.
The Sock Fairy
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Possibly the most misunderstood fairy of all, Chuckles the Sock Fairy makes
her monthly rounds to the homes of the middle-classed, borrowing socks. It
was once believed that she kept the socks for herself -- a thief. This is no
longer the theory, however. She trades them for other socks, more or less.
No joke! This is why someone washing a load of white socks will always end
up one white sock short, and next time he washes a load -- a red sock shows
up.
The sock fairy is not mischievous or troublesome on purpose. She merely
needs socks quite desperately, and always forgets who she borrows from so
will more often than not return the wrong sock.
No one has ever seen her in action. We don't know if Chuckles hides in the
Chlorox Bleach (which she feeds on), or if she lives behind the dryer where
no one ever cleans.
Fairies... what a bothersome lot...
[1] This belief is understandable, though, because it was once true. At
least until Grizelda's father (The Fairy King) discovered that "dead"
teeth rot even faster than those still in use...
[2] Historians, genealogists, and scientists alike are all trying to find
out the exact connection between fairies and Morgan Fairchild.
[3] As seen in "Multiplicity" (or from any Xerox machine), each copy gets
less and less like the original to a state of complete madness. We are
not sure how this insanity is stopped.