This article is classified "Fictional"
It is my sad duty to tell you of Yams' Disease, and how it claimed my newt,
Gunter (see Appendix A). Something has happened to the yams of the world:
they've changed. They are no longer helpless fruit, but have horribly
mutated to endanger the human race. Scientists have been working around the
clock to explain and cure the odd yam-related diseases popping up all over
the world. These "new yams" dubbed "yemps", have made the world grind to a
halt, as the virus takes hold.
First, yam-pickers in Dublin, Ireland began suffering from terrible muscle
spasms and a chronic dislike of picking yams, or any plants at all. They
seemed to have been affected by an as-of-yet unknown disease. The only
thing that all the victims have had in common are the yams. From Dublin,
the disease spread throughout the world, presumably through the importing
of foreign yams. It has spread from the Western world to supermarkets
across the globe; separation and/or quarantine of these areas is impossible
due to the fact that at least 70% of the world has in some way been exposed
to the diseased yams (see Appendix A). The infected yams pass the disease
on by way of thorny spikes sticking out of them which inject the disease
into unfortunate people who are poked by them (see Appendix B).
Now we come down to the pressing question at hand: what is Yams' Disease?
Well, Yams' Disease has, thankfully, been found not to be the perpetrator in
this crime; actually no-one knows whose fault it is. Whether it is aliens,
pollution, nuclear testing, or a combination of the three, it still has no
bearing on how to prevent a total and uncontrollable spread of the disease.
All that is known is that some force has created a virus so awesome as to
affect the yam supplies of the entire world almost in an instant!
If you come into contact with yemps, your symptoms may include a sudden
loss of long-term memory, muscle spasms, and eventually turning into a
giant yemp. Yes, this last and most vicious symptom is hard to take, but
indeed, if you are effected by the virus you will soon become a rather large
edible potato-like root. The virus's life-span can be catagorized into a
number of stages:
1) Long-term memory loss, starting with forgetting who you are
and where you are, respectively.
2) Muscle spasms, followed by total paralysis.
3) Tissue turns into a rooty, potato-like substance, followed by
roots sprouting from the victim and searching for earth to
plant itself in.
4) Small spikes sprout from the victim, like the ones found on
the yemps themselves.
I would like to assure you now that this is no joke, and that I and my
scientist companions will struggle to rid the world of this curious, yet
deadly, plague. Meanwhile, protect yourselves; trust no edible potato-like
root or any large spiky mass!
Appendix A
==========
November, 1st: Yam-pickers in Dublin report virus, but yam crop is exported
anyway.
November, 3rd: Infected yemps arrive on the east coast of the Americas,
England, Europe, and the former Soviet Union. The disease flares on the
delivery sites, but the yams are distributed through the affected countries
anyway; because of the incubation period of the virus, no one reached Stage
4 before the yemps were sent out.
November, 4th: The full effect is noticed by most of the affected
countries, and a call for biologists and other scientists is made.
November, 5th: The full team of scientists is assembled, and the study of
the yemp begins.
November, 6th: One scientist, Jimm Stewart, is involved with a yemp
accident that leaves him infected. He was in Stage 1 at the start of the
Day and is in Stage 2 this afternoon.
November, 7th: Jimm is at Stage 4 now at the end of Day 7 of the deadly
Yams' Disease reign of terror. He has been quarantined and will be used
for study. My pet newt, Gunter, is exposed to the virus accidently, and
reaches Stage 4 in under 10 minutes.
November, 8th: I send a report of my progress to the president and
from there it will be sent immediately to the entire world. My public
announcement, which you are reading, is entered over the Internet, finding
its way into an archive called Project Galactic Guide, where it is quickly
stripped of all useful information.
Appendix B
==========
Yemp Pod Structure -- November, 9th, 1996 Update
------------------------------------------------
* <= (1)
/|
*-**-**-* <= (2)
/ | /
* *** *
| /
*---*---*
/ | <= (3)
1) Disease spreading tip.
2) Tip launching pod structure, also where new tips are made and
where the Yams Disease is stored to fill the newly made tips.
3) Anchoring "roots" that burrow into yams and hold the launching
pod structure to the yam. It also takes nutrients from the
yam itself to fuel its disease spreading.