This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
Of all the motor sports in the world, Formula 1 [1] is the most glamorous,
expensive and 'happening'. It has seen a real popularity boom over the
past decade through expectant fans cheering on the likes of Senna,
Schumacher, Mansell and Hill. In this article I shall attempt to provide
the F1 virgin with useful titbits of information to use and impress in
social conversation.
F1 is very much a structured system. Firstly there are the drivers.
The Drivers
===========
These people are allowed, quite foolishly, to drive very expensive cars
into concrete walls whilst being paid vast amounts of money. 'Easy, I
could do that for free!' you may think; you'd be wrong for several reasons.
1) It takes a special talent to drive it into a wall on the last
corner of a race.
2) It takes a special talent to walk away from your mangled two
million wreck as if it was just another day at the office.
3) It takes a special talent to also make someone crash at the
same time. Taki Inoue was a driver with this recurring
ability, much to the anger of other drivers who preferred to
find their own wall when they were ready.
4) If, by mistake, you actually finish a race in first place you
have to be prepared to be happy and refreshed, ready to talk
to the press as if you had just been for a drive in the
country. This, opposed to a 200mph roller coaster ride
causing neck pains and a justifiable need to visit the
lavatory.
F1 drivers are often arrogant, foreign, rich, and normally have at least
one speeding ticket each.
The Teams
=========
Each team contains a larger number of people than the mind can comfortably
conceive. There are personnel responsible for the cars, the sponsorship,
the construction of cars, the drivers, the food, the drink (and so on...).
Each team has three drivers and a bottomless pit of money (there are a few
exceptions to this rule).
The team managers normally do not talk very much and often wear grim
expressions on their faces. This is not, as most people think, to convey a
feeling of fear in any driver who does not mount a wall on the first bend,
but one that has been strictly enforced as part of the FIA [2] ruleset.
Frank Williams [3] is a prime example of how the FIA expects the team
managers to behave, making sure that any onlookers feel that F1 is a
serious sport whereas, in fact, it is just an excuse to make vast amounts
of money, live in luxury and fart about playing in cars.
Every team carries logos. One of which tells the viewers which brand of
cigarette the team smokes.
The Race
========
The F1 circus travels to faraway exotic locations around the world,
parading for the fans. Each race weekend is divided into a number of
sessions:
1) Practice: here the drivers just trundle round the track to
get so-called 'data'. More importantly, however, they provide
the FIA with cash in the form of tickets, TV coverage and
publicity.
2) Qualifying: this is where each driver tries to get round the
track in the slowest time. This is especially important as it
determines the order on the grid that the drivers will line up
for the race. It is an obvious advantage to be at the back as
you can cause an enormous amount of chaos as you try to carve
your way through the field. As mentioned above, Taki Inoue
had a remarkable talent for this.
3) Warm Up: no significance to this. Just another excuse to
bury your car in a wall.
4) The Race: this is where it matters. Any wall-slamming over
the previous sessions pales into insignificance if you can
cause a major pile up at the first corner, and get the race
stopped. If the officials decide to re-start the race then
you really are doing well as you get another go at stacking
the entire field into a crowded grandstand.
Things To Lookout For During A Race
-----------------------------------
1) People off the track cheering: if you see this then you might
be forgiven for wondering what they are cheering about.
Everybody knows that these people pay huge amounts of money to
watch the cars parade around the track whilst not having the
faintest idea who's winning.
2) People waving flags: these people are specially employed by
the FIA to wave different coloured flags at the drivers as
they fly by at 200mph. Note the body language of the drivers
as a black flag is waved frantically. Laugh out loud as red
flag is held out when everyone finds a wall on the first
corner. Jeer at the man who waves the black and white flag,
preventing any more drivers from making mechanical love with a
wall.
3) A car with flashing lights: this car is called the safety
car, it is used to cause added confusion to the drivers as
they have to form a long snaking line and wobble from side to
side. The safety car is, in fact, brought out to close the
gaps up between F1 cars in order to allow a greater chance of
one driver taking another driver off into a wall.
4) Pit Stops: these are used to shuffle the field of cars about
a bit and, again, increase the amount of collisions. It
requires great skill for a collision to occur in the pit lane.
In particular look out for the bloke waving a lollipop; he's
funny.
People In F1
============
Want to show off your F1 knowledge? Then impress people by talking about
these people.
Bernie Ecclestone
-----------------
The F1 boss. This man is worth about 237 million pounds and looks like he
could spend that much on plastic surgery. He calls the shots and many say
he actually controls the events in the race. This isn't true, however, as
that honour is bestowed on Murray Walker (below).
Max Mosley
----------
Max is a real nasty piece of work, as he is in charge of changing the rules
from year to year and putting small teams out of business. The rule
changes that are made are timed perfectly the point when the teams have
just got used to the last set of rule changes. This man is a waste of
space [4].
Murray Walker
-------------
This man has an unnerving talent: his comments can affect the race
outcome. Murray is the only living proof of the anti-chaos theory [5] in
that what ever comment he makes on a drivers progress causes the opposite
to happen only a few seconds later. For example, in Spain this year (1997)
he commented on how well Damon Hill was doing, only to find himself,
seconds later, announcing that Hill's engine had blown and he had parked
his car by a wall (rather than in it). Murray is also the only commentator
to actually sound like an F1 car.
Michael Schumacher
------------------
This man is a terrible driver as he hardly ever manages to find a suitable
wall to park his car into. This could be because he is German.
Ukyo Katayama
-------------
This man is the best F1 has! He regularly removes four or five drivers in
one fell swoop. Other drivers do think, however, that he is about as
useful as a condom machine in the Vatican.
Summary
=======
In short, all you could ever need to know about F1 can be summed up in
three words. Dangerous, expensive, fast; a bit like opium.
[1] Abbreviated to 'F1' in hoopy circles.
[2] The governing body.
[3] A miserable man who has no reason to be miserable because he is in
charge of the best team in F1.
[4] That's my opinion.
[5] The chaos theory states that an action, no matter how remote, can
affect another. A butterfly flapping its wings causing a tornado for
example.