This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
Meditation is a totally cool thing. However, doing it in public can attract unwarranted attention and, let's face it, when you've tied your legs in knots and you are blissfully unaware of your surroundings, you are more than slightly vulnerable to attack. This apparently didn't stop Siddharta Gottama (the Buddha) from practising it, until one day a King took his harem out into the forest where the Buddha had taken refuge. Whilst exploring the area, the King's wives found the Buddha's shelter and went in. The King arrived, and in a fit of jealous rage he chopped off one of the Buddha's arms. This violent measure elicited no response [1]. He then proceeded to chop off the other arm. Still gaining no satisfactory response from the mellow dude, he completed his dismembering activities and left with his wives. The Buddha was totally non-fazed by this butcherous assault and completely forgave his murderer in the interest of following his path to enlightenment. Hints ===== 1) Don't go to evening classes to learn how to mediate. There is always some moron fiddling, twitching, making silly noises, farting etc. Also the clocks in classrooms and lecture theatres are incredibly loud. More importantly, what is the point in paying to practice doing nothing. You might as well do it at home. Or better still, while you are at work, getting paid for it [2]. 2) Do set your alarm clock. A good enlightenment can keep you tripping for ages and time loses all sense of proportion. You could wake up 5 minutes later, 5 days later, or sometimes even 23 minutes before you entered the magic state. If you are really unlucky, you could wake up while you should have been at work, finding your boss in the office firing you. 3) Don't get smug because you are doing so well. Thinking that you are meditating, and actually meditating are mutually exclusive states of being. Unless of course you were meditating on meditation [3]. But what would be the use in that? [1] An alternative explanation of what occurred has been speculated about for some time. One of the King's wives is reported to have witnessed the event in great detail. Apparently the Buddha was asleep with his eyes open, and failed to notice the approach of the group and the initial attack with the sword. Startled by the sudden loss of a limb, the Buddha awoke with a jolt and subsequently he severely bit his tongue. His moans and groans were interpreted to be part of a mantra (chant) and helped to give the impression of continued meditation. As he became aware of what was really happening to him, he began to formulate a plan. It was at this point that the second blow fell. He now realised that his plan to escape was doomed. With no arms, he could not unfurl his legs from the lotus position, and had no escape from his persecutor. He could not fight (not that he was inclined to do that anyway) and neither could he beg for mercy due to his inability to speak. Certain death awaited him, but he learned from his experience. Never again did he meditate where people could find him. Probably. [2] Or better still, on Sundays, when you are on double time. [3] Meditating on medication is more enjoyable.