This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
In Kansas there is a town sixty miles west of Kansas City whose
inhabitants are either so mind-bogglingly dull, or who have re-evolved into
such a different life form with such far greater patience, that they
actually live there. It is called Topeka, and the following are
suggestions for the hitchhiker on what to do if he finds himself in this
town:
1) Leave. The locals are not of the kind type, and are annoyed
by many things, the least of which is not out-of-state license
plates. A reason for this could be because of their failure
to follow such a basic instruction [1].
2) Stay. People stay in Topeka for the same reason that woolly
mammoths stayed in the La Brea tar pits. If you find yourself
immune to tar, and have a high tolerance for boredom, then
this is the option for you. Hence, I bring you the basics of
Topeka.
Food
====
If you have a budget of around $10 a meal, you may eat at any of the major
chain restaurants. For Tex-Mex, I recommend Annie's Santa Fe, in West
Ridge Mall. This is a largish shopping market located on the outskirts of
the town. For no readily apparent reason, at least none that the
chronicler can grasp, this is prime real estate. The thought behind this
is presumably "Twenty-five rich idiots can't all be wrong." This makes it
a stumbling block to the Topekans who, as has been discussed earlier, have
quite enough problems of their own.
Any restaurant that looks crowded is bound to be good, except Applebee's,
which has its own special problems, and Bennigan's, a very uncrowded
restaurant, whose Death by Chocolate is the best dessert in the town.
If any of this has made sense, prepare to lose the trail from which it has
been derived. The streets of Topeka are, well, annoying. In order to find
a place that's not on a major street, one has to follow numerous winding
roads. A recent news broadcast also complained of the poor condition of
these same streets. A good directional tip would be to find a car that
looks like it knows where it's going and follow it [2]. If this doesn't
work, find a gas station and ask the attendant for directions [3]. If you
want to know where you are going, and don't want to ask for directions, I
highly recommend not going to the town in the first place.
[1] I am one of those.
[2] Usually this will take you to Wanamaker.
[3] The gas station attendants are usually dumb enough to be happy, but
smart enough to tell you where to go.