This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
There comes a point in any cat owner's life where he or she simply wonders
what cats do all day. Nobody really knows what cats do in private while
the owners are out at work or shopping. But finally, after a long study by
a colleague of mine, who risked his life by posing as a cat, I can reveal
the horrible truth: cats are here to destroy the human race! Yes, you may
laugh at this seemingly wild and unsubstantiated theory, but I have proof.
To begin with, cats are experts in the field of human eradication. They
are responsible for hundreds of thousands of traffic accidents a year. A
seemingly innocent cat will sit at the side of a busy road, waiting for a
large number of cars coming from both directions. At the point where both
sets of cars are about to pass each other, the fiendish cat will run out in
front of the first lane of traffic, fix the driver with a stare and cause
the unfortunate victim to loose control of the car. Then, the cat quickly
proceeds to the other lane of traffic where the process is repeated for
another unsuspecting driver. If the cat has planned the crossing to
perfection, it can cause pile-ups of up to eight or nine cars.
Of course, the cat then walks on and leaves the scene of the crime as
quickly as it crosses the road. Most of the time the only damage that is
done is on the cars, and not the drivers, but this is just as useful to the
cats, as it causes confusion, panic, and the slow downfall of insurance
companies [1]. For obvious reasons, cats prefer icy conditions to execute
this method of eradication.
Another method to force the human race into extinction, is to drive their
owners insane. This is far more effective than the car accidents, but it
takes longer to implement. Cats drive their owners slowly insane in a
number of ways:
1) Digging holes in their owners garden;
2) Eating their food and then simply regurgitating it on the
bed/doormat/sofa/kitchen floor [2];
3) Scratching holes in the carpet/sofa/bed;
4) Waking their owners up at various times in the small hours by
sitting on them and breathing down their necks; and
5) Singing very loudly and out of tune on fences outside bedroom
windows.
The last point in the list is not only to annoy humans, but at the same
time communicate with each other, and with their home planet.
There is a solution however: dogs! Dogs despise cats, and although dogs
may turn out to be from another planet trying to take over the world [3],
they are very stupid. They will chase cats because they feel threatened by
their presence. Dogs are not a threat to human life at the moment; they
do not have the brain power to cope with human eradication.
Take heed as to what I have said, and think on your feet the next time a
cat rubs up against your legs!
[1] A secondary objective to their cause.
[2] Note that one of the definitions of "cat" in the dictionary is, in
fact, "vomit".
[3] I am researching that possibility.