This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
Taken from December 1996's Feature "Homemade Science" Article:
Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court
decisions in the United States which have restricted popular magazines
from printing articles which describe how to make an atomic bomb. The
reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be
compromised if such information were generally available. But, since it
is commonly known that all of the information is publicly available in
most major metropolitan libraries, obviously the court's officially stated
position is covering up a more important factor: namely, that such atomic
devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct [1].
The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a result of widespread
misinformation can, and must, be cleared up now, for the construction
project this month is the construction of a thermonuclear device, which
will hopefully clear up any misconceptions you might have about such a
project. We will see how easy it is to make a device of your very own in
ten easy steps, to have and hold as you see fit, without annoying
interference from the government or the courts.
The project will cost between $5,000 and $30,000 American dollars,
depending on how fancy you want the final product to be. Since last
month's column, "Let's Make a Time Machine", was received so well in the
new step-by-step format, this month's column will follow the same
format.
Construction
============
1) First, obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade
Plutonium at your local supplier [2]. A nuclear power plant
is not recommended, as large quantities of missing Plutonium
tends to make plant engineers unhappy. We suggest that you
contact your local terrorist organization, or perhaps the
Junior Achievement in your neighborhood.
2) Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure, refined
Plutonium, is somewhat dangerous. Wash your hands with soap
and warm water after handling the material, and don't allow
your children or pets to play in it or eat it. Any left over
Plutonium dust is excellent as an insect repellant. You may
wish to keep the substance in a lead box if you can find one
in your local junk yard, but an old coffee can will do nicely.
3) Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most
common varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this
enclosure as, for example, a briefcase; a lunch pail; or a
Buick. Do not use tinfoil.
4) Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispherical shapes, separated
by about 4 cm. Use rubber cement to hold the Plutonium dust
together.
5) Now get about 100 pounds (220 kg) of trinitrotoluene (TNT).
Gelignite is much better, but messier to work with. Your
helpful hardware man will be happy to provide you with this
item [3].
6) Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in
step 4. If you cannot find Gelignite, fell free to use TNT
packed in with "Play-Dough" or any modelling clay. Colored
clay is acceptable, but there is no need to get fancy at this
point.
7) Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in
step 3. Use a strong glue such as "Crazy Glue" to bind the
hemisphere arrangement against the enclosure to prevent
accidental detonation which might result from vibration or
mishandling.
8) To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo
mechanism, as found in RC model airplanes and cars. With a
modicum of effort, a remote plunger can be made that will
strike a detonator cap to effect a small explosion. These
detonator caps can be found in the electrical supply section
of your local supermarket. We recommend the "Blast-O-Mactic"
brand because they are "no deposit, no return".
9) Now hide the completed device from the neighbors and children.
The garage is not recommended because of high humidity and the
extreme range of temperatures experienced there. Nuclear
devices have been known to spontaneously detonate in these
unstable conditions, causing nearby cities to become quite
upset with the radiation blowing in their direction. The hall
closet or under the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable.
10) Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear
device! It is a great ice-breaker at parties, and in a
pinch, can be used for national defence.
Theory Of Operation
===================
The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the Plutonium
into a critical mass. The critical mass then produces a nuclear chain
reaction similar to the domino chain reaction [4]. The chain reaction then
promptly produces a big thermonuclear reaction. And there you have it, a
10 megaton explosion!
Next Month's Column
===================
In next month's column, we will learn how to clone your neighbor's wife in
six easy steps. This project promises to be an exciting weekend full of
fun and profit. Common kitchen utensils will be all you need.
See you next month!
Previous Month's Columns
========================
1) Let's Make Test Tube Babies! May, 1996
2) Let's Make a Solar System! June, 1996
3) Let's Make a Economic Recession! July, 1996
4) Let's Make an Anti-Gravity Machine! August, 1996
5) Let's Make Contact with an Alien Race! September, 1996
[1] The United States courts cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by
insinuating that they do not have the intelligence of a cabbage, and
thus the "official" press releases claim national security as a blanket
restriction.
[2] Plutonium (PU), atomic number 94, is a radioactive metallic element
formed by the decay of Neptunium and is similar in chemical structure
to Uranium, Saturium, Jupiternium, and Marsium.
[3] If for some reason your supplier refuses to provide, or is unable to,
you can always order factory direct from the Pentagon, assuming you've
been a government employee for at least six months.
[4] Discussed in this column, "Dominos on the March", March, 1968.