This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
After an unfortunate accident involving my new spaceship (a sleek-looking
Mach II Hypership), four Malaroonian prostitutes, and a travel-sized tube
of toothpaste, I was forced to spend several years trying to fit into the
odd culture of the planet Earth. To be even more specific, I have lived
the past two years in Newport News, Virginia, performing an act commonly
known as bar-hopping. Bar-hopping is just as its name implies, moving from
one Earth bar to another. These strange Earth bars, also known by the
locals as pubs, taverns, saloons, nightclubs, and many more unusual names
[1], have many customs that differ from the most popular interstellar
drinking holes of their neighboring galaxies.
Listed below are several explanations my research has come up with that
will not only prepare you for the happy hour's many bizarre customs, but
will help you to easily fit in with an elite human drinking club known as
"The Regulars".
First off, I will try to explain happy hour as best as I have been able to
understand it. Happy hour is not really happy and it is not really an
hour. "What?" you say! But it is true! Happy hour usually lasts from
around four o'clock until seven o'clock in local evening U.S. Earth times.
Between these times, the alcoholic beverages served (very weak ones) can be
purchased for less green paper than is required during un-happy hours, a
simple fact that does seem to bring out a certain degree of happiness from
the primitive Earthlings.
Next, it is best that I explain the Regulars. They are usually a group of
constantly complaining drunken people, but they seem to receive better
treatment from the Bartender [2]. Being an alien, especially one that is
not humanoid in appearance, it is a good idea to learn to fit in with the
Regulars, before attempting to receive any actual service from the
Bartender.
A few easy tips to try while attempting to fit in with the Regulars:
1) Any sexual harassment of the female species present within the
bar seems to be highly regarded.
2) Buy a round of drinks.
3) Share stories of made-up sexual encounters about any female
species present within the bar.
4) Buy another round of drinks.
5) Repeat steps 1 through 5.
Other Strange Rituals Of Note
=============================
During the happy hour, Earthlings may appear from a secret back room
bearing free food. This may be an attempt to appease the mean spirited
human known as the Bartender, who is obviously in charge of the Regulars.
The food is usually cold and tasteless, but as the Regulars can be heard to
say, "it's free".
When a Regular is "Cut Off" [3] by the Bartender, a good show will usually
follow. As far as I can determine the term "Cut Off" may mean one of two
things;
a) The human has consumed enough alcohol as to become socially
undesirable; or
b) The human has run out of his allotted supply of green paper.
Whichever the case may be, the "Cut Off" human will soon be escorted out
of the drinking establishment. The amount of resistance the human puts
up during this time period, usually determines the event's possible
entertainment value. It may take up to a dozen human escorts to remove
the single "Cut Off" human. This is a very rare occurrence, but one that
should be seen first hand to be appreciated.
If you stay long past happy hour you may hear the ritual known as Last Call
[4]. This seems to involve the turning on bright lights, a lot of angry
humans yelling, and then someone ripping your newly ordered drink from your
hand. You will then be told to leave. A commonly heard human phrase at
this time is: "Tomorrow's another day."
Well, this is all the information I have managed to gather on this subject.
I hope this my be of some help to fellow hitchhikers. I do plan on
returning to Earth soon. Happy hour is something I feel needs a great deal
more research to fully understand and take part in.
[1] Why Earthlings can't decide on a single name for these places further
points out the unnecessary complexities created by such a simple minded
life form.
[2] The Bartender is an important human who distributes alcoholic beverages
in exchange for the pieces of green paper. A very important human, and
possibly a form of Earth Royalty.
[3] The term "Cut Off" seems to apply mainly to American bars and should
not be confused with the use of telephones, light switches, or even as
a tragically bad name for a rock and roll band. I have witnessed many
a well traveled hitchhiker lose their towel from a misunderstanding
created by the slippery English language. Simply put, in America, if
you are told you have been cut off, it is best to leave that place
immediately. Do not even look back.
[4] Also known as "Last Orders".