This article is classified "Real"
Ah, beautiful morning! The sun is shining through your window, your alarm
is actually playing good music, as opposed to the annoying morning guy with
the nasal voice [1] and, for a change, you feel like facing the world. You
pick up your clothes, take a brisk shower, step out, dry off, and stand
before the mirror.
This is where your morning turns around. If you happen to be a member of
the male persuasion [2], then you take into your hands a sharp instrument,
and some foul-smelling foam. The foam is smeared upon one's face, and then
scraped off with the sharp instrument. This is in order to remove tiny,
almost invisible, hairs that supposedly had been growing since the last
time the subject has performed this ritual.
Now, there are certain ways to avoid slicing one's face to ribbons,
depending on the subject's dexterity. The easiest way is, of course, not
to shave at all. This can result in long, luxurious beard, as seen in many
philosophers. This can also result in an ugly stubble. Results depend on
the individual.
Thus it is that many males opt to shave with some regularity. When one
shaves, several goals must be kept in mind. Among them:
* A clean, smooth face;
* No loss of blood;
* No patches of hair;
* No loss of blood;
* A short, painless experience;
* No loss of blood.
In order to accomplish these tasks, the male must master the art of holding
the safety razor [8] in such a way as to avoid cuts. This is done by
grasping the razor firmly between thumb and the side of the index finger.
The razor is then drawn down the face in short, reasonably slow, motions.
Note the downward motion. Because of the razor's design, shaving upward
does not work, and shaving sideways makes for a trip to the emergency room.
So, we shave down. When shaving the neck area, it may become necessary,
due to the direction of hair growth, to shave upwards. This is
accomplished by the technique of the turning the razor upside-down and
praying to one's favourite deity for more dexterity than one has previously
shown doing this technique.
As, at six in the morning, most men are incapable of seeing the tiny hairs
to be removed, the best way to be sure of removing all of it is simply to
aim for the foam. Once all the foam has been removed, then one can assume
that the job has been completed. The male then towels off, and applies
aftershave.
Aftershave is, of course, the coup de grace of the procedure. Having
scraped one's skin raw, it is only natural to apply an irritant to it.
After all, it makes you smell good, although the scent invariably clashes
with both the male's cologne and the scent of the shaving foam he had just
finished using.
After all is said and done, there is one more task awaiting our
protagonist. He must then seek out his spouse, if one exists. This female
will then kiss him good morning, touch his face, and say something along
the lines of,
"Aren't you going to shave before you go to work?"
At which point, the male says that he was just getting ready to. He then
stumbles off the the bathroom to repeat the procedure.
If the male has no spouse, then chances are, he did not attempt to shave in
the first place, because five o'clock shadow is "sexy" [9].
[1] It is well known that the screening exams to become a morning show
radio host are quite brutal, and those who are not quite annoying
enough, or whose voices do not incite murder are quickly thrown to the
wolves.
[2] Or perhaps a Russian gymnast [3].
[3] Project Galactic Guide would like it known that it does not, as a
corporate entity, endorse this statement [4].
[4] Yes they do. They thought it was hilarious at the water cooler
this morning [5].
[5] That's a lie! And how the hell does a corporate entity find
anything hilarious, let alone finding something hilarious at a water
cooler, particularly in the morning? [6]
[6] Something to do with the entire PGG Executive laughing their asses
off, I'd imagine [7].
[7] We think that now would be a good time to review Mr. Murphy's
spending account...
[8] Using an unsafe-ty razor, or straight razor, is reserved for those
times when you wish to lose blood.
[9] There are exceptions. See Footnote 2.