This article is classified "Real"
The two constants in life: death and taxes. Is there a third? You bet
there is! Sometime in your life, you will either be hit by a car or fall
off of one; it just happens.
How To Properly Fall Off A Car
------------------------------
The first step in falling off a car is getting on top of one. This is
really easy. Next, while on the car's roof, trunk, or hood, hang on to
any object safely welded to the car.
You are now properly situated. Have the driver, assuming you're not
driving it yourself [1], slowly gain speed and pull out on to the road.
You should fly back slightly as speed increases, but your body will soon
grow used to this and you will be riding on top of a car going upwards of
twenty-five miles per hour.
Now, the key to this art: falling off. Have the driver take a sharp turn
without slowing down. No matter how well you hang on, you will fall off.
Then you are greeted by the sheer force of concrete.
Note: my experiences with this have only been in a T-Shirt and knee-length
shorts on Homecoming night. I was scraped rather badly. Precautions to do
this should be at least long pants and a jacket; I recommend a helmet, too.
How To Properly Get Hit By A Car
--------------------------------
In my life, I have only ever been hit by a car twice; oddly on the same
day by two separate cars. I was on my bike coming home from school on
November 7th, 1996. A very odd day.
The best thing to do is to use the "space cushion" rule. You will get hurt
a lot less if there's a layer of aluminum between you and the automobile.
Basically, ride a bike. Getting hit by a car directly to the body may
result in a fast trip to the emergency room, which is not funny, not that
any of this ritual really is funny.
Another rule to use is to make sure only your back tire gets hit. If so,
you can often escape with no damage to you or the bike. It happened to me
and I didn't even stop biking [2].
If you do get hit on the front half of your bike, this is not good. It
means the back half has not reached the car and you will continue to move
forward until the whole bike is sucked right under the vehicle.
Whether you are hurt or not, the driver who hit you should run out and
make sure you're all right. If so, refuse all bribes they offer you, even
if your bike will never roll again. If you are not all right, the cops
will probably be on their way already and you can look forward to a nice
cash settlement from the guilty party [3].
Things Not To Do
----------------
1) Never purposely get hit by a car. It's usually more dangerous
and you will panic.
2) If you're a driver, don't hit a person on a bike.
Make Money Fast
---------------
Pre-Cash Warning: this is not my idea. I saw it in a movie once; I'm not
sure what it was called, but I think it starred Dana Carvey. Also, it
goes directly against Thing Not To Do #1.
Stand at the corner of a four-way intersection that uses traffic lights and
look like you're going to cross the street. However, instead of doing so,
wait for a car to slow down at the red light. Jump and roll sideways on
to the car's hood. If done quick enough, the driver will believe you have
been hit and quickly run out to help you [4].
This is where you ask for money; fifty American dollars being the fairest
amount [5]. If they don't do anything to get the cash, fake injuries;
threaten to sue; anything.
If all else fails, you at least have the satisfaction of knowing this guy,
or woman, had the fright of their life.
Post-Article Warning
--------------------
Although I have personally done most of these things, I declare them
unsafe and not to be tried by untrained civilians. Yet, this is a paradox
because the only way to train yourself is to practice, practice, practice!
[1] Actually, I have had the unfortunate thrill of riding "shotgun" in a
car where the driver was outside of the vehicle. You'd be safe to
assume I was just a tad worried.
[2] And it was a full-sized car.
[3] The pedestrian always has the right-of-way.
[4] If for some reason they don't help you, try to catch their license
number as you lie there on the road, possibly really hurt from falling
off the car. Give it to the first car that stops. Revenge is yours.
[5] This being an international guide, I must remind you to always consult
the latest exchange rate charts.