This article is classified "Fictional"
Some people think that being invisible is a technical impossibility. Pish
posh! Some people also think that they really may have "already won
$1,000,000," so don't go listening to "Some people," as they are usually a
shifty lot.
Being invisible is wholly possible and relatively easy to do. Before we
start, you'll need the following supplies:
1) A can of spray starch,
2) A match, and
3) A fire extinguisher.
Although these things do not help you in any way to be invisible, they,
when used in the proper sequence, can make a really big flame that may
catch your house on fire [1].
Now, on with the steps to invisibility. First, be very still. When I say
still, I do not mean standing in one place and whistling or something
similarly silly, I mean you must still the movement of every particle of
your body [2] through mental exercises. When this is completed, the sum of
collective kinetic energy of every quark in your body should be roughly
equal to the kinetic energy of a queue for Space Mountain at Disneyland in
July during the operator's lunch break.
After this is done, the rest is simple. As an anonymous field researcher
once said, "Anything is simple, if you have plenty of spare time."
The next step is to begin to accelerate each particle until its velocity is
somewhere above light speed. Therefore, every bit of your being will be
moving too fast [3] for anyone to actually see it, and thus be rendering
you utterly invisible.
While I still haven't perfected the art, or even become relatively
invisible yet, I am fairly certain that, in theory, it should work. That,
or your particles will get fed up with you telling them what to do and will
abandon you, leaving you, as I like to say, "An Entity Equal To Zero",
which, on the whole, is not a bad state to be in. Unless you are trying to
enter a building with automatic doors.
[1] Hence the extinguisher.
[2] Watch for my forthcoming book, Your Body and You: Commanding Your
Particles.
[3] Really, really, really, really, really, really fast.