This article is classified "Fictional"
Earth is currently in a sad state of affairs. Its inhabitants are a confused bunch, worrying about such pettinesses as death, money, the lack of towels, and even the obscure concept of what is referred to on Earth as "fun". Earthlings, having discovered television, digital watches, video games, and other distracting forms of entertainment, have lost their identity because they no longer spend time thinking about life, death, and other more important matters. Bloody wars are fought, famine and disease rule the poorer countries, the legal system is failing, and even a country such as the U.S.A., having an image of opportunity, equality, and freedom, has millions of homeless, whilst more and more money is pumped into the military, even in times of peace. The reason for this is that the importance of brushing teeth has been lost long ago. In the past, when brushing teeth was considered an important event, people spent an average of three hours a day practicing dental hygiene. Most often this took place in front of a mirror. Three hours a day, moving your hand back and forth, whilst looking at yourself in a mirror led to intense self-evaluation and reflection on life. Famous philosophers of the time were often inspired by brushing teeth, leading to such great works as "My Teeth, My Soul," "Semiotics, Transcendentalism, and Plaque," and the famous quote "I brush, therefore I am," which was later plagiarized by Descartes. However, the balanced lifestyle of those times was lost after the great King Gerbil of Phoenicia died of old age. It has been an endless downward spiral of decay and lost values for Earth since then. The story of King Gerbil of Phoenicia is not well known. He was perhaps the greatest person to live on the planet Earth, second only to Ronald Reagan, his predecessor. Both Kings realized that the secret to a well-balanced life and self-reflection lay in brushing teeth. Sadly, Ronald Reagan's reputation and existence was wiped out by the second Ronald Reagan, who once was president of the U.S.A., Earth. He purposefully eliminated all historical traces of the earlier one, to avoid comparisons which would have inevitably led to his lynching. King Gerbil taught people the true value of brushing teeth. It was he who established the College for Teeth, the International Committee for Dental Care, and the much-respected Twenty Brushings Sunday which occurred every Thursday. Sadly, his death came abruptly, and no successor had been trained to value the importance of brushing teeth. King Hatatuti, a clever politician and nephew to King Gerbil, proclaimed himself King. Sadly, he was not aware of the importance of brushing teeth, and did not continue King Gerbil's ideologies. In fact, King Hatatuti closed down the much-respected Institute for Dental Awareness, because he felt it was an unnecessary government office. This office was the center of King Gerbil's dental programs, and after its closing, most other dental offices, due to lack of government funding, soon went bankrupt. King Hatatuti's changes slowly led to a decrease in brushing teeth. Although his intentions were good, the results were disastrous. Now that there wasn't as much hype about brushing teeth, people began to do other things instead, such as playing games and watching criminals get eaten by lions in arenas. Thus they stopped being as introspective as before, and over the course of the following generations, people became confused. This led to people seeking meaning in external things, as opposed to internal speculation. Wars arose, Fascist leaders who forced their beliefs on others were favored, and people began to prefer being guided as opposed to finding their own beliefs. As said, since the death of King Gerbil, the world has been losing its moral values and communal integrity in a downward spiral. Should your travels take you to the planet Earth, make sure you bring along plenty of toothbrushes and toothpaste. Should you run into any trouble with the locals, pass them out, and your aggressors should soon calm down and brush their teeth. The theory is that their ancient history is still embedded in their subconscious, and if you manage to tap into that they may realize that brushing their teeth is far more important than capturing an alien.