This article is classified "Fictional"
Yes, you're thinking that Pink Plastic Chairs are just comfortable pieces
of plastic there to sit yourself down on and have a cool drink, but you are
wrong. Pink Plastic Chairs are one of very few "inanimate" objects that
have suddenly turned out to be lethal.
Originally, strange happenstances I observed at my friends house about
Pink Plastic Chairs made me wonder; but as the reports of lawn-chair related
deaths started streaming in, I did a little research. In every major
culture the same basic shape for chairs appears again and again. Why?
My theory is that these chair-builders actually based their designs on an
actual creature. Rarely seen for what it really is, these deadly chairs
move among us, and occasionally feed upon us. From cave paintings to
Egyptian art to stone sculpture, warnings are written of a killer
something that can sneak up on you when you least expect it: A Pink
Plastic Chair.
Prehistoric Encounters
======================
The Pink Chair Phenomenon has been recorded by all major civilizations.
Pink Chairs were originally feared by the caveman when they had only
evolved as far as Stone Chairs. They were often quite uncomfortable,
though, and didn't get as many victims as today's Cozy Intruders. Early
cave paintings reveal cavemen trapped between the mighty pink arm rests of
these horrible creatures.
Evolution Explanation: The early Chairs were less comfortable, and
so the people sitting on them often left before they could be devoured.
"Me hurt-um back, me out of here..." So, as time continues, the Chairs will
become more and more appealing until we won't be able to resist!!! They'll
eat us by the dozens!! Oh, God. The humanity! [1]
Early Encounters
================
Christopher Columbus sailed the Atlantic all the way from Spain to
America. He then ran on to the New World with his best friends: Edgar,
Jimm, and Tonto. He carried with him a flag of Spain and a Jar of Jif
peanut butter. He stabbed the flag into the ground and said: "I claim
this land in the name of Spain!". Shortly afterwards, they noticed some
Pink Wooden Chairs at the edge of the woods. They worked a while, when
Tonto finally noticed that some of the Chairs were less than fifteen feet
from the ship [2]. Tonto had some problems, and not resisting a
comfortable-looking wooden chair just happened to be one of them. Tonto
was drawn to the chair by an unnatural force, beckoning to him to seat
himself on its well-polished oaken majesty. Finally, Tonto couldn't control
himself any longer. Seeing that Chris was in the john, he quickly limped
[3] to the Pink Chair. Lining his posterior up with the chair, he quickly
sat down. Thirty minutes later, when Chris left the little boys' room,
all they found was a fashionable chair and a pile of hemorrhoids. Chris
was dumb-struck, absolutely desolate, and mildly suicidal: the natives had
eaten Tonto (or so he believed), and even more shocking -- his Jif was gone.
Ever-So-Slightly Awhile Ago Encounters
======================================
May, 1957
The hottest day of the year... I'm talking so hot that we staked out my
sister and fried an egg on her. It was also dry. I'm talking so dry
that... (shut up!!). Okay, so anyway, it was 9:32, and black as the ace
of spades. The police had been staking out a bar on the edge of town for
weeks. Suddenly, a white Ford Bronco pulled up and two midgets walked out
carrying an unidentified pink object. They quickly kicked open the door,
threw the object in, got in the car, and drove away [4]. The cops entered
the bar forty-five minutes later toting M-16's, tear-gas, and some warning
labels ripped off of mattresses. The bar was far from spotless, but all
the customers had disappeared; all that was left was an Aluminum Pink Chair.
Twenty minutes later, when the police officers suddenly disappeared, a
rescue squad was called in. Forty-five minutes later, when the rescue team
disappeared, a rescue-team rescue team was called in...
Present Day Encounters: My Real-Life Example(s)
================================================
Jenny Kempen's house, a Christmas in July party. I can't quite recall what
month it was, but it was nice weather for volleyball. Jenny's parents set
out some lawn chairs and some Pink Plastic Chairs [5]. I originally saw two
Chairs; merely hours later they had multiplied to four! I tried explaining
my Pink Plastic Chair Theory to my friends, but they wouldn't listen (sounds
a bit like Jurassic Park). Later that night, I took my sombrero off, and
Jenny set it on a Pink Chair; no one ever found the hat again. After the
party Jenny's parents found a pair of underwear and a swimsuit. Perhaps
someone's child disappeared after being seen on a little Pink Plastic Chair?
A hunter in San Antonio was captured on amateur video after a huge Pink
Chair came crashing down on him from a tree. Unfortunately, this video
cannot be shown on this system. Why this hunter was in San Antonio is yet
to be uncovered.
Other Species Of Chairs To Beware Of
====================================
Velcro Covered Chairs: people with curly hair, beware... Yeah,
that's right, beware.
Fly-Paper Chairs: look out for Pink Chairs with all kinds of crap
stuck to them (especially flies, hair, lint,
and other small furry creatures.)
Stools: not really chairs, but beware.
Pink Recliners: too deadly to receive accurate information on.
(Beware)
For more information on chairs, consult your local librarian.
To report a mysterious chair, call 1-800-NO-2-PINK, or e-mail The Pink Chair
Defense Squad at Baravard1@juno.com
[1] Author continues writing after being given a hefty dose of tranquilizer.
[2] That's five meters.
[3] Tonto was well known for having a horribly uncomfortable case of
hemorrhoids.
[4] And all this before the cops could set down their box of doughnuts.
[5] Some Pink Plastic Chairs have evolved the ability of Insidious
Mind-Control to use against the daily consumer. They trick them into
buying more and more Pink Plastic Chairs.