This article is classified "Fictional"
So you're turning into a hairy wolf [1] every time the moon goes full?
You can't stand wolfsbane or being shot by a silver bullet? Well, maybe
you have lycanthropy. Sure, it sounds bad, but as Graham Chapman would say,
always look on the bright side of life.
This article is for those who still have a human mind while in beast form,
because a beast mind would automatically force you to enjoy yourself,
although you probably wouldn't remember anything afterwards. This article
is about the fun you can have as a big member of the wolf family...
If you have a conscience, stop here! Not for the politically correct!
Mailbox Fun (And Other Feats of Strength)
=========================================
With your extreme bestial strength, you can do some pretty impressive
damage. This could be done to any number of things. Personally, I'd use a
mailbox, but automobiles and aluminum siding work equally well. Simply
push your paws on either side and crush it inward. Try making interesting
designs. But be warned! Do not crush it outward, or they'll think it was a
firecracker (or similar device) and be at your door the next morning [2].
Along the same lines you could pick up cars, or uproot trees, or fire
hydrants... and possibly set them back down in the most unusual of places.
In fact, the list is practically endless. Why not "borrow" someone's new
Corvette for a week while you're at it?
Then there's always the list of human's childish pranks that could be done
with a bit more pizazz. Being a Wisconsin native, cow tipping instantly
comes to mind. Trying to tip one over would be nearly impossible without
having it roll over six or seven times. And if the farmer would catch you,
I seriously doubt he'd be worried about his cow.
Shedding
========
Sure. You're thinking "Man, what a mess!" But why must it be you saying
it? If you can get access to another person's house, why not lounge
around, watch TV, and drink their soda. They would end up with one helluva
mess and you'd have free drinks! This idea may even work when they're home
[3]: would you argue with a saber-toothed, flesh-reeking, drooling, hairy
wolfman? I didn't think so.
Impersonations (And Halloween)
==============================
This one is especially fun. While in wolf form, strip down to your fur.
Go into a dog house and wait [4]. When Little Timmy comes calling, get out
and run at him. If it's dark, you may just trick him. If not, watch
his face... "Gee, Sparky, you sure have gr- gr- Sparky? Aaaahhh!!!"
And since you're a wolf, why not go as a wolf to Halloween parties or
similar events? Heck, you'd win most realistic costume hands down. Nothing
is more like a werewolf than a werewolf itself. If you can talk, I also
recommend going up to the host and asking him about the meat... "Excuse me,
Paul -- I don't suppose you could cook the next batch of steaks a little
less? Hell, just give me them raw."
As always, there is a popular trick for "less civilized" parties known as
"Crushing Beer Cans On Your Forehead". The difference between normal
crushing, and wolf-crushing? Quite simply, you could crush full cans.
Talk about impressing the girls...
And speaking of impressing girls, my friend Nate claims being a wolf would
have you meet girls by impressing them with your hairiness. Though, being
the second hairiest guy in my town, I can tell you this doesn't do a damn
thing for you.
Howling
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While in wolf form, why not do the obvious thing and howl? Let back and
fill the air with calls of terror and tyranny. In fact, do this in the
middle of town, or in a supermarket. The effects are amazing. Even if you
can't howl very well, I think the desired effect will be achieved.
Now that I think about it, other wolflike things may work just as well.
Being at the movie theater chewing on the seats, or in a library answering
the call of nature. Make sure to do it in the romance section, though.
Last thing I want is for someone to ruin the Dragonlance or Star Wars books.
Hold-Ups
========
Being a lycanthrope it is easier to rob your average small town convenience
store or fast food restaurant than a heavy guarded bank. Chances are, even
lead bullets ought to do something to a smelly behemoth. Enter the store
and wait for the guy behind the counter to wake up. He'll give the usual
"Ah, good morning" (or its mumbling equivalent). He'll be too sleepy to
notice who you are when he offers his services at first, but by the time
you ask for assistance, he'll get a whiff of last night's highway roadkill
(or similar meal) and be going on his way. Now you've got the store to
yourself. And don't worry about the video cameras, unless of course you're
an unnaturally hairy guy.
The author claims no responsibility for any hold-ups or other actions by
lycanthropes... especially in the vicinity of Kaukauna, Wisconsin [5].
NO RESPONSIBILITY WHATSOEVER.
[1] Or a bat, bear, tiger, etc. Thanks to Dungeons and Dragons, we have any
number of furry things to choose from.
[2] Assuming you destroy mailboxes all the time, which we can safely
conclude from the fact that you think about it anyway.
[3] Caution: if you're going to scare your way in, don't do this to old
people. Heart attacks are not funny.
[4] If there's already a dog in there, keep it quiet!!
[5] My home town.