This article is classified "Fictional"
It's a well-known scientific fact that for every brain cell you kill, two
will grow back in its place [1]. However, very few people realize the
significance of this. It is a useful tool for Hitchhikers, for several
reasons. The first, most obvious reason, is increased mental power. Just
think the kind of scientific [2] breakthroughs you'll make with the boost
in mental facility. Second, the fact in itself is a wonderful topic for
cocktail party conversation [3]. Lastly, free concert tickets. It's true.
All touring bands have a minimum number of headbangers for the first few
rows. Everybody benefits - the headbangers get into concerts free, and
the band has the insurance that nobody close to the stage is even remotely
intelligent enough to climb onto it.
There are several easy ways to put this effect into practice, but the
easiest and most common is suggested by the title: impact between one's
cranial spaces and a brick partition [4]. This achieves several things.
The obvious massacre of brain cells is but one. If you do this often
enough, as many of this method's die-hard (no pun intended) practitioners
are known to do, then you achieve that wonderful flat-forehead effect that
the Mayans so loved. Not to mention that a high forehead is a typical sign
of high intelligence. It's true! The astrophysicists will just FLOCK to
you.
But let's not forget the other, more intrinsic benefits to this practice!
After all, remember those two new brain cells - after long enough, those
really add up! Just imagine yourself sitting around, pondering the majesty
of creation. No, this is *after* the process is complete, not in the dope
breaks in between sessions of head-beating. Particle physics could be
within YOUR grasp.
But what's this? You say beating your head against walls is too much
physical exertion? Not a problem! Your average alcoholic beverage kills
off plenty of brain cells by itself! So, spite your high school health
teacher. Drink your way to a high IQ. Pummel your way to one. Or, if
you're *really* desperate, sit in a lecture hall for an hour, particularly
for a particle physics lecture. A little while of that will have much the
same effect [5].
So what are you waiting for? Go to it!
[1] Please do not really believe this. If you DO believe it, then by all
means, follow my advice to the letter.
[2] Not to mention masonic.
[3] Particularly if you enjoy a good laugh. And can take one.
[4] Translation: Beating your head against the wall. This is just one of
the many boons of this intelligence-uh, altering program.
[5] Brain cell-wise, anyhow. The IQ part is still being researched.