This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
In his literary masterpiece entitled 501 Survival Tips For Men Craig
Hartglass said about fishing: "There is no better way to waste a day that
should be spent working." Indeed, this is only one of the many benefits of
fishing enjoyed by fishermen worldwide.
Here are some more:
Fishing is a great way to combat boredom. The proof of this: Canada.
There sure the hell isn't much else to do up there; therefore people fish.
Fish are dumb. They will try to eat almost anything i.e. feathers, bugs,
wooden lures, and even worse, shiny metal "spoons". The feeling of
superiority you get from outsmarting these critters is extraordinary.
An added bonus for the hitchhiker is that if you have a fishing pole with
you, people will assume that you are only dressed grubbily like that because
you are going fishing, not because you are a penniless hitchhiker, and
therefore they will be far more inclined to give you a lift.
That takes care of the "why"; now we will examine more closely the "how".
First, you will need the following:
* Tackle: this is the long slender thing you generally see
people holding. It comes in several forms: bait caster,
spinning, spin caster, fly-rod, or hillbilly (this is simply a
long, skinny stick with a string tied around the end of it.)
* Line: mono-filament, braided, string, twine, small rope, almost
anything will work.
* Terminal tackle: lures, hooks, worms, flies, bobbers, etc.
NOTE: you can buy all the above equipment in "kiddie packs" at
K-mart [1]. As an added bonus, once in a while they even throw
in added stuff like sunglasses, a camera, or assorted gadgets,
which we will get to later.
* Gadgets: these are supposedly useful items sold in the back of
outdoors magazines and on TV. Their names usually include such
phrases as: "301 functions!" and "revolutionary new sports
product!". In actuality, their only real purpose is to keep
you entertained while you are waiting for fish to bite.
* A fish'n' buddy: OK, I suppose this isn't necessary, but it
gives you someone to blame your bad luck on.
* Beer: sure, some people fish without beer, but these are
people with very high attention spans. Even Canadians don't
fish without beer.
Instructions:
1) Find some body of water - anything will do.
2) Put worms, crickets, or lures on the end of your line.
3) Cast: this is a tricky bit, you'll just have to learn it on
your own.
4) Sit down.
5) Play with your gadgets.
6) Comment on the stupidity of your buddy's gadgets.
7) Reel in a fish.
8) Throw it back; you don't want to have to cut it up, do you?
9) Repeat steps 2-4
10) Drink a beer; if possible, drink several beers.
11) Use a "Never-fail Wise Person Phrase". We will discuss these
later.
12) Tell stories, lie a lot.
13) Repeat above steps as long as desired.
Now to explain "Never-fail Wise Person Phrases". Remember when you always
thought that your grandpa was wise because of the profound things he said?
They weren't wise, he just mastered some of these phrases. Try to throw in
a few of these phrases whenever you fish:
* "Well, if we don't catch any fish within the first couple
hours, they probably aren't biting."
* "The fish aren't biting because
...there is a cold (or warm) front moving in."
...the water is too cold" (or warm, muddy, clear, stinky, ...
be creative!)
Now you have the idea, so make up your own bloody phrases.
There, now you know, at least as well as I, how to fish.
[1] K-mart: an American Superstore.