This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
A lemur is a primate similar to (but not to be confused with) a monkey.
They are native to the Philippines, Madagascar, and fictional planets like
Nova. They eat up to four times their own weight in nuts and berries (which
of course has its consequences). Although randy as a jackrabbit, the lemur
makes an excellent pet for children or a companion for the elderly. They
travel well, and are pleasant and courteous to others. As trivia, it may
be noted that lemurs are one of the few animals not used as a corporate
symbol or pro-sports team mascot, despite the obvious connection.
The topic of the ring-tailed lemur (Lemur Catta) and the marmoset
(Callithrix Jacchus) has been a debate for many years amongst scientists
worldwide. I, Dr. Gavin Schmitt, DDS, have headed "Project L.E.M.U.R."
[1] for over eight years trying to prove lemurs' superiority over marmosets
both genetically and philosophically, possibly intellectually, and certainly
stereotypically. For the readers of Project Galactic Guide, we have
included brief snippets of our vast knowledge and findings.
From the moment man came across the marmoset, he was already prejudiced
beyond repair. Edward Seethington, the painter who first discovered the
marmoset, had named the disgusting little furball after one of his least
favorite foods: orange marmalade. Now, everybody knows marmosets are not
only more of a kiwi color than orange, they taste more like strawberry jam
than the aforementioned spread as well. In addition, the classifiers went
so far as to give marmosets the species "jacchus", the Latin word for
Jackass. Can we not laugh at the dumb creature's misfortune?
On the Internet, World Wide Web, newsgroups, IRC, etc. the lemur is a
cherished animal blessed with songs and pictures that are submitted daily
to the Alt.Fan.Lemurs newsgroup. A few verses from "I Wish I Gnu a Lemur"
[2] have been included and analyzed for further proof:
I wish I Gnu a Lemur,
one that said "Ptang" and "Frink!"
He would titillate my femur
when given Big-K to drink.
Ptang and frink are the common sounds made by a lemur, and Big-K is the
primate's usual drink. Therefore we can deduce this person simply wants
a lemur particularly attracted to human legbones.
I wish I Gnu a Lemur,
That I could pet right now,
I'd feed it up on Hand Grenades,
And Throw it at a Cow.
This pet owner is more violent in nature, utilizing the lemur's ability
to digest just about anything. Sadly, the lemur has gone to waste.
I wish I Gnu a Lemur,
That liked to cook spaghetti,
He would scrub and shine the pots and pans,
And quote Lawrence Ferlinghetti.
Yet another irate pet owner. Wishing to keep a lemur as a slave, making
his meals and doing his dishes. What a terrible way to use a lemur so
very gifted (able to read, speak, and even quote!)
I wish I Gnu a Lemur
One with a big vacuum...
Cause then when I lock him up,
He'll be forced to clean my room.
I believe this to be the same pet owner, further torturing this creature.
I wish I Gnu a Lemur
A big ol' ring tailed stinker
Cause then he'd be a great thinker
And we'd eat all the Twinkies
A friendly and kind keeper. Feeding it Twinkies and respecting its brain
power. Lemurs... this is your man.
Is there an Alt.Fan.Marmosets newsgroup? No, my friend, there is not. Is
there a song dedicated to a marmoset? No, and I doubt there ever will be.
The marmosets' presence on the Web is almost solely concentrated on a Web
Page entitled "Madland" where the poor creature is the punchline and
proverbial butt to many tasteless (and downright bad) jokes. The man in
charge of this shrine? Matthew "Madman" Vanderloop, an obvious mental case.
I wouldn't be surprised if this guy was a marmoset.
Television Influences
=====================
The "Project L.E.M.U.R." staff has found hundreds of shows depicting lemurs
in unique or humorous ways. Unfortunately, due to stiff government
regulations, copyright laws and security flaws, we were only allowed to let
the general public be aware of two.
The more prominent one I'm sure you've all seen is the Science Fiction
Channel's "Mystery Science Theater 3000", affectionately known as MST3K.
Can any of you Misties (fans of the show) out there forget Joey the Lemur,
the world's greatest and most outspoken lemur puppet? I think not. He had
a song written about him, which I've included a partial piece of:
It's Joey the Lemur, the friend to mankind,
Our furry sort of monkey friend who really does shine.
Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere.
Joey the Lemur, what kind of heck of animal is he anyway?
Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal that would go to the
bathroom anywhere.
L is for lemur!
E is for eat!
M is for monkey!
U is for unusual! And unpredictable!
R is for radical! And rambunctious!
Yes, it's the splendiferous lemur... friend to all mankind!
Isn't that incredible poet-work? All this for a piece of cloth. Well, a
piece of cloth we all wish we owned, but still. To further the episode,
the crew of the Satellite of Love do not hesitate to greatly express their
disappointment of the film: "There are no lemurs in this movie! Aaaaaah!"
The other television influence we wish to share? Why, it's none other
than an episode of "America's Most Dysfunctional Cartoon Family", the
Simpsons. Lisa is explaining to Maggie that there are more than farm
animals in the world by using flashcards. "Zebu, Maggie. Zee... Boo..."
But the zebu is not this project's concern. The next card shows another
example of primates in the media. "Look, lemur. Maggie, say leeeee-mur."
I want some of those flashcards.
No one denies the cute-a-bility factor when it comes to ring-tailed lemurs.
Those big bushy tails are so superb, whereas marmosets feature some weird
kind of hairy ear growth no one can identity. Heck, the lemur is
practically the illegitimate bastard child of a chimpanzee and a drunken
raccoon. So the world's silliest primate combined with the world's best
ring-tailed bandit should produce the world's silliest ring-tailed monkey
bandit. Is that not the perfect description of a lemur? Using these
guidelines, a marmoset should be the offspring of a smelly baboon and some
small fuzzy caterpillar. One of those brown ones you see in parks.
The say-all, end-all of it all is this: how do they hold up in the lab?
What a fine question! We once conducted an experiment involving the
mathematical abilities of the two primates [3]. Both were given a fairly
hard trigonometry exam by Mrs. Hillestad. Both failed, but the Larry's
score was far ahead of Morton's poor attempt. Larry being the lemur.
Next, we gave them the test again, this time with Texas Instruments TI-85
graphing calculators. Larry did a whole eight percent better than Morton!
This is the final piece of information you should need to be convinced that
lemurs are indeed superior to marmosets.
[1] Let Every Marmoset Undergo Radiation. A division of PRIMATE-O [4].
[2] Each verse was contributed by a separate person, so the authorship
cannot be fully credited.
[3] The specimens were randomly drawn and given identical food, rooms, and
treatment. Neither had ever finished grade school.
[4] Professors, Really Insane, Making Animals Torture Each-Other.