This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
Elvis Aaron Presley was one of the world's greatest musical performers. He
has earned such nicknames as The King of Rock and Roll, and holds the record
for the greatest number of albums sold by a single artist. He was a great
man, a great husband, and a great father. Nobody loved him more than his
wife Priscilla and his daughter Lisa Marie.
But then one day, the music became too boring for The King. And since punk
was yet to be invented, he didn't have much to work up to. So to fill his
extra time, Elvis joined the Memphis Police Department in the narcotics
division under the codename "Ruby Tuesday".
His days as a narcotics detective were inspiration for at least two songs:
"Ruby Tuesday" by Melanie (later redone by The Rolling Stones) and "Elvis
Was A Narc" by Pinkard and Bowden. The words of the chorus go as follows:
"Elvis was a narc, in the rhinestones after dark.
He did his best to keep Memphis drug-free.
He knew every pill he'd eat, would be one less on the street.
Elvis took them all for you and me."
That's exactly how it was, too. The King constantly became heavier and more
drowsy due to all the pills and drugs his bloodstream had to endure. So, on
the night before his death, he met with Dr. Edward Donell.
Donell was a genetic biologist, specializing in cloning and other
DNA-related things. To carry on his musical talent, Elvis had the doctor
take a sample of his DNA to keep in a tube for someone else to use someday,
letting the legend live on.
Supposedly, that night, Presley was found in Graceland, dead and bloated
on the toilet of his mansion. The police dragged him out, and there was a
grand burial service which was witnessed by millions of people. So, that
would prove he was really deceased, no? [1]
Donell went to the lab, ready to spread the formula to one lucky volunteer,
a Mr. Donald Spanz of Boise, Idaho. But Donell sneezed, and the tube went
shattering to the floor. A breeze came and blew the vapors out the window.
Donell was horrified: his greatest achievement ruined!
It was not completely ruined, though. The vapor spread into the main part
of Memphis. It seems that rather than a formula, Donell had in actuality
created a virus, Memphi Bacilli. A few citizens who were exposed and not
immune soon began dressing funny and signing popular music.
The virus spread, and is still spreading today. Thousands worldwide, male,
female, dog, suffer from the Blue Suede Contagion. Some have taken their
ailment and used it in their advantage, performing at parties and (gasp)
weddings.
And so Elvis had his last wish fulfilled; his spirit lived on. [3]
The Two Cures
=============
Yes, after many years of research, scientists have actually found two cures.
And they are:
1) Realization: If the victim is in the beginning stages of the
contagion, they can often be saved by repeating to them the
phrase: "That outfit is so stupid... and you can't sing!"
Sometimes this will not work. Then there is nothing that can
be done about it except for option two.
2) Eradification: To remove the virus from the body, you must use
a plastic spork to puncture their heart to let out the "bad
blood". Within a half hour, you will never hear "Heartbreak
Hotel" again, except perhaps in your nightmares.
What To Do If You See Elvis
===========================
Often times, people will claim to have seen Elvis. If this happens to
you, simply assume these people suffer from the BS Contagion and rush them
immediately to a specialist. The leading specialist currently is a Dr.
Jack Kevorkian.
[1] Some people believe that wasn't really Elvis in the tomb. Well, that's
true. Elvis really died from committing suicide. [2]
[2] Hey, wouldn't you if your daughter married Michael Jackson?
[3] So did his cash flow. Do you have any idea how many millions of dollars
Lisa Marie has that she never earned?