This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
Travelling around the world, the average hitchhiker can sometimes find
himself in the situation where the following question arizes: can normal
martial-art techniques be used against other species?
Well, I find that Kenpo is versatile enough to be used against many species.
For instance, the variety of defenses against bear hugs would come in handy
against Grizzlies, Polar, or whatever you run into. And at the upper levels
we are specifically trained to deal with attacks by common barn animals.
For instance:
Sheep Defense #1: Against a charging sheep attack. Sidestepping by placing
the right food behind the left, you dodge the sheep's charging attack,
swinging your right arm up and around to bring a hammer-fist to the back of
the sheep's head. Follow with a left front kick to the jaw, and then a
right reverse leg sweep to both of the left legs, if possible. Cover out,
grab scissors, and shear.
Plunging Cow: Against whatever sort of horn attack a cow can mount. Step
forward at a 45 degree angle, stepping left and parrying the cow's right
horn with a right chop block. Do NOT strike the head. Cow skulls are hard.
Follow with a lunging front kick to the udder (also known as the "milking
strike"), and then vault onto the cow's back. Use the cowbell-strap as a
sleeper hold. When the cow loses consciousness, roll off the cow to one
side, then tip.
Multiple Barnyard Defense: Against a surrounding attack by a horse, two
chickens, and a pig.
Horse
Chicken You Chicken
Pig
You are, of course, facing the horse. As the pig makes its move (it always
will), flow towards the chicken on the right, doing a left-handed finger-
rake to the horse's nostrils and a simultaneous spinning right hook kick
to the pig. With your free right hand scoop up the chicken, keeping your
spinning momentum to throw it at the other chicken as a distraction.
Rolling across the pig's back, use your free legs and perform a double
crescent kick to whatever part of the horse you can reach. Upon landing,
bonk the chickens' heads together, grab them, and drive the two beaks into
the base of the pig's skull. Throwing both chickens at the horse, do a
somersault between the horse's legs, roll out on one side, and leap over
the horse, grabbing the mane as you fly across and using it as a takedown.
Well, honestly, that's about all I can think of. If I'm ever assaulted by
my cat, I'll let you know how things go.