This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
The United States of America is (or was, depending upon when you are
reading this) a loose confederation of geographical regions under a
large, unwieldy, and unpopular federal government. History is a bit hazy
as to why everyone wanted to hitch their wagon to everyone elses, but
they don't really like you to ask questions like that nowadays. The
"Yoo-Ess" as it is called, the "Land of milk and honey," (see "Bovine
torture" and "Bee larceny" respectively) is (or was) a strange land of
contradictions and out and out fallacies.
Take the Vikings, for instance. Yoo-Ess history teaches that the Vikings
discovered America. History books tell of the adventures of an early
Earth hitchhiker named Leif Erickson. Leif was, if not the first to sail
to the "new world," the first with a reasonably pronounceable name.
Although Leif was given credit for the discovery, the Global Naming
Council [1] chose to name the new continent "America" after a map-maker
named Amerigo Vespucci. They did this despite the fact that it was a
tremendous slight to Leif, risking the wrath of a Viking who definitely
knew where his towel was, because they couldn't stand the thought of a
continent named "Ericka."
For a long time modern history books had credited a Christopher Columbus
with the discovery of America, but he was stripped of the honor when he
failed to pay back the money he borrowed to make the trip. As a
consolation to his descendants, he is now credited with the discovery
of a medium-sized town in Ohio.
While all of this may seem confusing to you, imagine the confusion of the
people who were there all along when they found out that although they
and their ancestors had been born, lived, and died on that very continent,
they hadn't actually "discovered" it in a legal sense, and had no legitimate
claim to their land, homes, or property. They even had to call themselves
"Indians," just because Columbus wasn't so good with maps, and so were
forced to give up their ancestral name, "Occupants."
Humans are (or were) a very competitive race, but find themselves largely
removed from the natural competition of "eat or be eaten" by the fact
that the only species of equal intellect on Earth are all herbivorous,
and are therefor too busy standing in line at the salad-bar to do anyone
an injury. For a while man was able to fill this void by engaging in the
dangerous sport of discovery, as did Messrs. Erickson, Columbus, and
Vespucci, but after a while everything worth discovering had been
discovered. The continents were mapped, the oceans named, and most of
the really fun animals to hunt and kill had all been hunted and killed.
To compensate for the lack of true competition in their lives humans
created artificial competitions or "contests," often combining the
tactical strategy of warfare with the dangers of a really large crowd.
In Europe the most popular and dangerous of these is the football match,
the general idea behind which is to have a handful of men in colorful
shorts chase a small ball around a field so as to distract some of the
crowd long enough for the other spectators to attack them.
In America, the most bizarre and dangerous of these contests is the Miss
Universe Pageant, in which females are judged by a panel of judges on how
well the judges like them. While this may seem totally different from
the European football match, they are really only variations on a theme.
In the Miss Universe Pageant, women in various stages of undress parade
around on-stage, singing off-key and throwing batons into the overhead
rigging so as to distract the judges long enough to keep the judges from
attacking them.
Only human females born on Earth are allowed to compete, which makes the
name, the "Miss Universe Pageant," at least a little inappropriate [2],
and (some say) making any victory a shallow one, at best. While many
purists are insistent upon keeping the entry rules as they are, some
people have called for a liberalization of the rules, allowing for
entries from elsewhere in the universe. The proponents of change argue
that it would make for a more interesting competition, increase revenues
from entry fees, and are quick to point out that the human contestants
would still retain the home-world advantage.
[1] The Global Naming Council (see also: Global Council of Names, Council
for the Naming of Things, and Names 'R Us) was set up in 1334 AD to
ensure appropriate, concise naming of new discoveries and avoid
duplication of names (such as Paris, France and Paris, Texas).
Abolished in 1643 AD after anarchists took over the offices and named a
small, peanut-shaped country in Europe Belgium.
[2] The Miss Universe Pageant might have been more appropriately named if
the Global Naming Council had not been abolished in 1634 AD (see above).