This article is classified "Real"
If you are ever in Missouri, a froody place to go is the Lake of the Ozarks. It is in central Missouri, a three hour drive from Kansas City, and if you're very daring, you might try the three hour fifteen minute drive from St. Louis. If you're from any of the planets where there is no sarcasm, you may actually think that there is a difference in the drive. There's not, other than the St. Louis drive is slightly longer and flatter. If you have a pilot's license and a small plane, you may try to land at Warrensburg airport, which is an hour away from the lake and also not near a car rental place, so I don't recommend it. The Lake of the Ozarks is unique in that, unlike the Kansas lakes of the same type, it is actually big enough to see on a state map. There is some long story about its creation which basically says that it was built in the thirties by some guys with too much time on their hands. The Lake of the Ozarks is considered by many to be a hoopy place to hang about. This is one of the major problems with this area. If you venture into this land, you are considered a "weekender", and will thus be barred from polite society. The term "weekender" is wrought from the usual days that people crowd the lake, but it applies to any visitor, regardless of the day they visit. Having Fun ========== This is the best part. It is impossible to have more fun in the Midwest with a hitchhiker's budget. One of the best ways to have fun is to make friends with a local who has an ocean liner. The best way to do this is to hang about any shore of the lake with rather large houses. They are basically friendly people who can withstand any story, no matter how mind-bogglingly dull it happens to be. Another free way to have fun is to go to Party Cove. This cove is notorious for two-day parties every week. It is closed and moved every time the Ozarkian mafia, or the Four Seasons, wants to sell adjacent real estate, but any local or "Generation X"-er can tell you where it is. If you are slightly more well to do, you might try one of the go-cart tracks. The best way to find a go-cart track is to walk for ten minutes in any direction. If you are one of those people who hitchhike from a sense of adventure rather than out of necessity, and are also quite wealthy, I recommend jet-ski rentals. These are slightly less expensive by the hour than go-carts, but you must rent the jet-skis for at least an hour, which will set you back $35. Food ==== If you are a healthy hitchhiker, you will eventually notice that you are hungry. If you are in this situation, I can only talk about good restaurants, as anything else will likely make you sick. The best Mexican restaurant in the known universe is Tres Hombres. It has two easy to find locations, but they are not so easy to find that I'd remember where they were. For directions on getting directions, see below. If you are appalled by the sight of freshly killed peppers, you should go to Ozark Barbecue. They have very good barbecued ribs, and a dock to accommodate the boat-going members of the lake. If you need to go to a bar, which is unlikely since Party Cove is like a bar and much cheaper, with more hoopy stuff going on, you should go to Chances 'R' or Shooters 21. Chances 'R' is extremely good, especially if you want to see the big game/race/event on a tiny screen, and I've heard that Shooters 21 is excellent as well. Fitting In ========== Fitting in at the lake is one of the easier things in life. Actually, it is more like beating Bobby Fisher in chess. For those of you that don't fit in anywhere, here are some tips. First, and this is a hard part, never wear shoes. Shoes mean that your feet are too tender to handle the gravel and rocks that are inevitable in the Ozarks. Men must never wear shirts, and women must wear either a swimming suit or a tank top. Leaving ======= Once you get there, you may note that purse snatchings are so rare that they make good news stories. This means that people are more trusting than in other parts of the country, and hitchhiking to another area of the country is much easier. For best results, I recommend going to any highway on a Sunday evening or Monday morning, and sticking your thumb out. If there is rain on the road, be wary of those who like to see how much water their tires can move. Getting Directions ================== Another thing you may notice is that there are very few street names. This means that if you decide to ask for directions, give the person a piece of paper and ask them to write it down. This is because the major street is called TT. There are streets going off that street towards the lake with names like TT-50. It is more or less a maze of roads, and the only real way to know how to get around is to stay there for a month and study the streets. Conclusion ========== The Lake of the Ozarks is a hoopy place for any hitchhiker to go. Besides a few drawbacks, it is a definite must for anyone who wants to say they've seen froody stuff.