This article is classified "Real"
Bemidji, a very cold place, is located in the northwestern part of
Minnesota, which is located in the North Central portion of the United
States, which are located in the Northern and Western Hemispheres
(depending, of course, on your frame of reference) of the Earth, which
is located, well, read the article on the Earth if you're still lost.
It is, to be more precise, roughly halfway between Minneapolis, MN, USA,
and Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, the only significant cultural centers in
this desolate part of the Earth. Bimidji is located within 30 miles of
the Chippewa National Forest, numerous state forests, and three "Indian
Reservations". It is also noteworthy for being the "First City on the
Mississippi River," and thus perhaps the only place where the water from
said river is in any way safe to drink. The fact that such major population
centers as Minneapolis, St. Louis, and New Orleans draw their drinking water
from the river after it has been polluted beyond belief (from among other
things the Bemidji wastewater treatment facility) is much too disturbing a
topic to be covered here.
The city's name comes from the lake it is situated next to. Not a terribly
creative choice, but a reasonable one nonetheless. The name of the lake
comes from a Native American word meaning "Lake with water running through
it" or something (due to the Mississippi flowing in and out of the lake),
although many prominent Native Americans of the area now insist that it
means no such thing. They insist that the settlers of the area were really
dumb and couldn't understand what they were saying, which is probably true.
The city reports a population of approximately 11,000. However, the city is
unique in that it is transient groups of people that provide the city with
its economic livelihood: Bemidji State University brings in 5,000 students
[1], and when school is out, hordes of tourists come and take their place,
drawn to the pristine natural beauty of the area, and the chance to drink
clean water from the Mississippi. Due to these two factors, there seem to
be a higher number of pizza joints around per capita than one might expect.
This chronicler has (not very) carefully counted 8 of them, ranging from the
reasonable to the horrid. There are the typical chain outfits, which will
these days not only sell you pizza but also buffalo wings, so named because
they are really wings of chickens (animals that bear no resemblance to
buffalo at all) smothered in a sauce. This sauce also bears no resemblance
to buffalo, except that if you go to the wrong pizza joint, it can kill
you. Also, there are more local places, the best of these being Dave's, the
cheapest Giovanni's and the worst Mario's. Avoid Mario's at all costs.
Other good places for a hitchhiker to eat without immediately collapsing
from cholesterol poisoning include... well, there aren't a lot really.
Either it's fast food or it's outside budget constraints. The Chinese place
isn't too bad. Desperate travelers may consider sneaking into the dining
hall at the University. However, you are hereby warned, the buffalo wings
are better for your health and general sanity.
Accommodations are plentiful in the winter months, and there are amenities
for even the budget traveler. However, the die-hard hitchhiker would be
wise to seek accommodation via other venues. The easiest way is to go to a
college party (these happen every night), get badly drunk, and start
flirting with every possible member of the opposite sex until someone takes
you home with them. If your body structure is such that you are not likely
to be attractive even to a badly drunk member of the opposite sex, then
simply stay drunk until the end of the party (hypothetically speaking
anyway) and then go and sleep it off at a 24-hour restaurant. They will not
mind, as long as you order a muffin and/or a cup of coffee every 2 to 3
hours. In the summer months, it can be quite pleasant to sleep in a park,
or even on someone's lawn. However, if you try this in the winter, you may
not wake up again.
It gets very very cold. If you think London is cold when it is locked in
its rainy-chilly-windy periods, well, think colder. We're talking cold
enough to make Swedes and Finns go for the extra jacket. Around
mid-January, there is always a week or two when the temperatures don't rise
above zero (Fahrenheit) at all. As this chronicler writes this piece on a
late January night the mercury is hovering at a not-so-balmy minus 36. This
can only be described as effing cold. Being outside for more than 15
minutes would do very nasty things to your body parts. 'Nuff said.
Despite all this nasty cold weather, Bemidji really is a nice place to visit
in the winter because of the natural beauty. It is situated near many large
tracts of evergreen trees which are unmistakably beautiful under the weight
of freshly fallen snow. In fact, nearly everything seems to become more
pretty under the weight of freshly fallen snow, except for the roads, which
just get slippery, and cause accidents. Spring is messy, all the freshly
fallen snow turning to old, crusty, messy snow, that persists just enough to
make consistent puddles from March to May. Fall is dreary, rainy and grey,
although the fall colors are quite nice at times. I'm told that some people
like fall, but I am not one of them. Summer is nice, warm, and mostly
pleasant.
There is a tremendous lack of reasonable coffee houses. There is but one,
and while it is a fine example of its genre, there simply should be more.
Investors are urged to give me lots of money so that I can go to
coffee-house-running school and start a couple of them.
So anyway, come see Bemidji. It's a nice place, and if you get sick of it,
you can always go to Winnipeg, where they speak a little French (or, I
should say, they speak a lot of French in a little area), or Minneapolis,
where they have a veritable plethora of coffee houses.
[1] Those who would question the economic value of students because they are
perpetually broke are invited to consider how those students become
broke in the first place.