This article is classified "Real"
Communicating with the dead requires the careful completion of three
distinct stages: establishing of a post-mortality state; the methods you
might use to send an initial message; and the ways in which you might
interpret a response.
Establishing Post-Mortality State
=================================
First, you must establish that the person [1] is in fact not alive. This
can be achieved in a number of ways, but the following six-step plan is
usually very effective:
1) Ask them for the time.
2) Shout at them, and see if they respond. Try asking if they
are dead.
3) Dial their mobile phone number [2], and wait for an answer.
4) Check the obituary column in the newspaper, and see if they're
mentioned.
5) Check the graveyard for their tomb stone.
6) Medically assess the situation by checking for a pulse. If
they have a pulse, they are likely to be alive, but if they
are still unconscious, check for any valid medical insurance
documentation on their person; failure to find this could mean
that this is only temporary.
Methodology
===========
Once you have established that they are no longer in the land of the
living, you have several ways in which you might set about getting a
message to them.
1) Whisper; you might move your mouth close [3] to their ear, and
talk to them.
2) Morse Code; simple, as long as they understand Morse code.
3) Religion; go to your local church, and ask them to relay a
message.
4) A Medium; ask one of these to pass the message on.
Interpreting Responses
======================
1) Individual; it may be up to you alone to interpret the
response, which may come in one of many forms. Trust in
yourself and your own knowledge, even if you do not possess
any.
2) Religion; the response is likely to have a religious
connotation, and may contain the words "thy" or "lord".
a) "Good" Religions, ie. those with the word "good"
used favourably; the words may encourage you to
perform some charitably act, such as give away all
your money to your local church. Trust in their
motives.
b) "Bad" Religions, ie. those with the word "bad" used
favourably; the words may encourage you to perform
some vile and deplorable act, such as ritually
sacrifice all of your friends. Trust in their
motives.
3) A Medium; likely to be a positive response, encouraging you to
be forever indebted to the "translator", and very willing to
return, and to pay whatever fee they see appropriate. Trust
in their motives.
On the whole, it is always better to do the job yourself, so at least you
know exactly what went on. You may find, however, that the response you
get is very brief, or non-existent, in which case, you will have very
little to show for your efforts.
Conclusion
==========
Is there really any point?
[1] Ex-person, dead person, former person; the point is that the person is
not alive.
[2] If they have one. If not, you may improvise if necessary. Failing
that, just try shouting at them again.
[3] Not too close.