This article is classified "Real"
There are times when you might want everyone and everything just to lapse
into silence for a moment or a while, to allow yourself to rest, to think,
to speak, to listen to something else, or in extreme cases, to die [1]. As
with all these things, even good methods of achieving peacefulness are
completely useless if used at the wrong time, and the most disregarded and
"stupid" ideas can somehow have a positive effect. It is worth noting,
however, that in this area, 95% of the available methods have one thing in
common: they are totally and utterly useless.
Probably the worst thing you can do to gain peace-and-quiet, is to make
a louder noise than any of the others. It is true to say that this is
occasionally effective, but only for extremely short periods, and it can be
the precursor to an inflamed cacophony of noise.
The least effective noise you can make for some reason is the most popular.
The "shhh!" as it is known, is made by pumping [2] lots of air through a
narrow gap between your teeth. It is usually the case that a noise of this
nature is followed by a number of imitations from nearly everyone, if not
absolutely everyone you are trying to hush. If you ever find yourself in
this position, on no account begin to compete, as those sorts of
competitions are unlikely to end [4].
Obviously, that is not the only bad way to gain silence. Another stupid
thing to do in an "I need quiet" situation, is to shout, "shut up" at
everybody. In a way it is similar to the former, in that it may provoke
mass imitation, but it will more usually incite a large degree of bad
temper, and a number of funny looks [5].
This can obviously be replaced by other similar phrases, such as, "be
quiet," or even one of the increasing number of expletive-based outbursts.
All of these are about as effective.
You might want to use a phrase that is totally disassociated with the quiet
you wish to obtain, such as, "pass the lemon drops, Monty." These sort of
comments are usually ignored, but can occasionally give you a second or two
of attention with which to make a point. It is, however, just as likely
that somebody called Monty will pass you some lemon drops. On no account
should you eat them [6]. Also, you should be prepared for somebody else to
mis-hear you entirely, and pass you something else.
A third useless method is to stand up and clap your hands. This has been
used to its worst effect by a number of school teachers in the past, and
only provokes a passing glance from any surrounding entities, or at least
those that are capable of doing so. The usual appearance of this method is
the "double-clap" which is basically a couple of short sharp taps,
hand-onto-hand, which theoretically imposes a degree of enthusiasm, but
which usually doesn't.
Added to those, there are a number of other methods that do not involve
any other noise at all which are usually more effective, with the exception
of ones such as the "wave your arms about in the air" method, and the
performance artists' "(pretend to) bang your head against the wall" method.
These are pointless, but if they make you feel better, you are quite
entitled to do them anyway.
Violence is of course an option, but this too can have drawbacks, and should
only be used if you are 100% sure it will work [7]. A good tap on the head
is occasionally enough to, at least, gain the attention of somebody, though
you could just as soon lose it again if the noise is too loud, or the crowd
is too large. It is at this point when you could take the opportunity to
ask everyone individually if they will silence themselves, and if they are
willing you may succeed in your task. With a larger crowd, however, it is
often very difficult to coordinate the silence so that certain groups do not
begin to make noise once more.
Of course, an icy stare and mystical silence can be effective on small
groups at least, and this method has been used to good effect in the past.
It can, however, fall down when the audience are energetic, bored, or
otherwise in no mood to be treated in this manner. If you find you are able
to captivate people in this manner, you may find a career in hypnotism well
within your abilities.
Finally, if it is possible, you could encourage the noise-making entities to
leave the immediate vicinity, which may diminish or destroy the problem.
This is often a difficult task to carry out, and can involve a level of
research into the habits of the entities in question. It is tempting at
this point to believe that they will be compelled to go somewhere else if
they can make more noise there, which is in fact usually the case. If you
use this method, be prepared for failure and the phrase, "but we like it
here." On no account match this with, "not with a tennis ball in your
mouth, you wouldn't."
Of course, one simple solution is for you to move somewhere else. This
could be impractical, but if all the other methods do fail, it could be your
only option. Some would argue, however, that it doesn't actually solve the
problem, it just "avoids" it. However, these people are more likely to have
a lot more silence than yourself anyway, so they can think what they damned
well like [9].
Silence can, on the other hand, be gained by accident quite easily, and has
been used by crowds of people in the past, to greet, scare, unhinge, or
otherwise effect a stranger. The situation runs thus: hall full of people;
stranger enters; room falls silent; stranger panics then leaves. Of the
many people who have found themselves in the receiving end of this sort of
treatment, most have failed on the whole to totally get over it.
[1] Okay, it might not be that extreme.
[2] The means to this end are variable, but the author suggests you use the
one you are (usually) born with, and don't attempt anything foolish [3].
[3] Which probably means: just don't do it at all.
[4] Well, maybe you could use that artificial method after all.
[5] Most people can handle the temper, but get very cold at the thought of
the bad looks.
[6] Unless you happen to know and trust this person.
[7] Though always bare in mind that certainty is no substitute for
actuality. Phrases such as, "I'm certain we won't die," are often [8]
followed by the death of the speaking party.
[8] Where the "cruel twist of fate" can be influenced, such as in films and
other stories, this is always the case. Comedy duo Steve Punt and Hugh
Dennis once observed that it is very easy to predict who will die in a
film, just by their behaviour in their first appearance. The standard
formula for this was "After this war, I'm going to..." Dead.
[9] Which is probably their job anyway.