This article is classified "Real"
Stirling is a smallish town in Scotland's central belt, roughly midway
between the sprawling, belligerent metropolis of Glasgow and the tidy,
polite conurbation that is Edinburgh.
Like many other Scottish towns and cities, it grew up around a castle built
on a big volcanic rock; it is most fortunate that there are a lot of these
around in Scotland.
First impressions vary depending on your chosen method of arrival:
By train: "Hmm, ex-industrial sites and hideous new housing developments,
how charming.... What's that hideous thing?!?" (See the Thistle
Centre below.)
By car: "What lovely countryside..... Hmm, a large roundabout....
Eeeurgh, a grotty council housing estate!"
By plane: As there is no airport in Stirling, any person arriving by plane
would probably be more concerned with the way the picturesque
countryside was rushing toward them than appreciating its beauty.
What's in Stirling?
-------------------
Stirling was relatively (un)fortunate compared with other towns nearby in
that it had no major industry, only some coal mining and small textile
mills. Its main industry is currently tourism (see below for more
information).
Most of the town itself is made up of attractive old buildings, but lurking
behind them is one of the worst examples of late '70s shopping centres in
Britain, the Thistle Centre. This monstrosity is best seen from behind (for
example, from the railway station) where its majestic architecture is not
hidden. It's not pretty and the inside is worse.
Another major feature of the town is its university, which is not actually
in Stirling. The university was created in the '70s, but remarkably fits
into its surroundings quite well. Unfortunately it seems to be populated
largely by arrogant and ignorant people from the south of England.
The major areas of town include:
King's Park, an area of large, old houses surrounding a park, built to house
the wealthier residents who had decided the town was too smelly, dirty and
full of undesirable people.
Raploch, formerly a large stagnant pond, which was drained and had council
housing built on it. This is generally regarded as having been a bad move
and was a further attempt to separate the wealthy residents from the less
wealthy by putting all the undesirables in one place. DO NOT ENTER! It's
not nice and you may not come out again.
Top of the Town, where everyone originally lived before they realised that
living near the castle was no longer required. Now consists mostly of
tourist shops.
Bridge of Allan, ex spa town, now the home of the university. Unlike most
places near universities, it refuses to become even slightly studentish,
remaining generally genteel and Victorian.
Inhabitants
-----------
The first warning for any visitor is that the people of Stirling are *very*
sarcastic. Sarcasm is in fact a kind of local competitive sport. This
often causes problems for tourists from countries where such things as irony
and sarcasm are seldom used. In particular the local bus companies appear
to recruit drivers purely on the basis of how unhelpful and sarcastic they
can be if asked a question.
The second warning is to avoid students. Nasty things often happen to them
and those near them.
Tourism
-------
Stirling has a long and rather bloody history, several major battles between
the Scots and the English happened nearby (Stirling Bridge, Bannockburn,
Sherriffmuir and others), leaving lots of remarkably small battlefields
with visitor centres where you can buy fudge and tacky tourist gifts.
The main attraction in the town itself is the castle. It is very old;
Mary Queen of Scots stayed there for a while, and if you can prove you're
a local you can get in free. Just outside town is the (National) Wallace
Monument, a big tower built to commemorate William Wallace (a major Scottish
freedom fighter). Although climbing the hundreds of steps in the tower is
in itself a major feat of endurance it is nothing compared to the task of
walking up the hill to the foot of the monument.
The area to the Northwest (known as the Trossachs, for no adequately
explained reason) is also very popular with tourists. It is quite scenic if
you like lakes and mountains, but it does get very boring after a while. DO
NOT go into any tea rooms or tourist shops, they all sell the same rubbish
and if you've got one Trossachs tea towel, you've seen them all.
Drinking
--------
Consumption of alcoholic beverages is very popular among the inhabitants due
to the almost complete lack of anything else to do. There are a number of
pubs in town, most of which are to be avoided, and two nightclubs. Here is
a guide to some of them:
Pubs: Cafe Saloon - AVOID, ex student bar, now largely deserted.
Whistlebinkies - Awful beer but a nice atmosphere and a garden out
the back.
O'Neil's - Another mock-Irish pub, not bad but often very busy.
Behind the Wall - Varies, sometimes dead quiet, sometimes not.
Clubs: The Fubar - Not nice, lots of people from the Raploch (see above)
frequent this one.
Rainbow Rocks - Fairly dire but it's the best in town.
It is important that you do not get drunk enough to do anything illegal,
as the town has a closed circuit surveillance camera system and you will
probably be seized by the local police.
Money
-----
UK pounds are used throughout Scotland. IMPORTANT NOTE: If you get handed a
"Bank of Scotland", "Royal Bank of Scotland" or "Clydesdale Bank" note in
your change, don't worry, these are perfectly legal, although not readily
accepted in England.
Required Equipment
------------------
1 Waterproof clothing (it rains a lot.)
2 More waterproof clothing (I warned you.)
3 Insect repellent (local midges are really evil.)
4 Board games etc. (if you're stuck there on a Sunday.)
Things To Try
-------------
1 Finding something worthwhile to do on a Sunday.
2 Going to till 1 at the local Tesco supermarket on a Saturday and
saying "hi" to the author of this article (unless I've got the
day off).
Thanks for reading this. If you still want to visit, have a look at
Stirling University's web site at http://www.stir.ac.uk/, it should bring
you to your senses.