This article is classified "Real"
Hazel Grove is the kind of place that's so darn boring that, five seconds
after you arrive, you find yourself sitting in the wittily titled 1970s
revival cafe, "Grub In The Grove," (see "1970s Revival, Just Outside
Watford") chewing at a cup of tea, and meandering vaguely trough the "Towns
Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers" in your Guide book, desperately
looking for something interesting to say about the place.
"City area" - long, thin. Basically the thing was built on a road.
"Aesthetic" - What's that supposed to mean?
"Population" - decreasing rapidly and I'm really not surprised.
"Comparison with other places" - oh, that's easy. Pick any place. Any
place at all. And Hazel Grove is worse. Simple.
"Major industry" - yeah, RIGHT.
"Specialty shops" - well, Hazel Grove has got the biggest charity-shop-to-
person ratio in the known Universe. Bizarrely enough, for every
person still residing in Hazel Grove (and this includes those who
have fallen into a coma) there would appear to be approximately
one hundred and twenty seven Oxfams, Scopes (read: Spastics
Society as soon as they realised how many people took the mickey),
Home Farm Trusts... you name it, if it's a charity shop then
we've got it. Even the "Grub In The Grove" has items on its menu
such as: worn-out tasteless pullover, wrongly-sized ripped dinner
jacket, horrendous postcards, spineless books, and so on.
"Kind of houses" - well, they're kind of houses, I suppose.
"Parks" - one.
"Schools & Universities" - one comma nil.
"Zones & districts" - no. The old people's homes are distributed fairly
evenly in-between the grotty hospitals and the charity shops
without much segregation.
"Inhabitants: wealth, character, religion, languages and dialects,
famous people." - Hmmm - let me think about this one. The answers are,
respectively: no, no, no, no, and no, no.
"Crime" - yes.
"Traffic" - yes.
"History Of Town" - 160 years ago it used to be called Bullock Smithy. Up
until last year there was a mock-old pub in the village which had
a sign outside which said "Village of Hazel Grove, 1712." All the
old people used to have hours of fun pointing out to all the other
old people that it wasn't called Hazel Grove in 1712. Last year
they knocked the pub down and they're building a Tescos
supermarket on it now. Well, that's progress for you.
"Inside tips and hints for real fun/adventures; where to hang out, pubs,
etc." - none. And I live here. If you find any, though, let me know.
please.....
"Currency and prices of staying and buying stuff" - due to the high
contingent of charity shops, this is surprisingly easy. There are
also a good number of shop doorways in which to kip.
"How to move about" - use your legs you silly sod.
"Where and what to eat" - no comment.
"Where to stay" - tip number 1: stay away.
"Checklists:"
Required equipment: A Portable Charity Shop, Tea-Axe, Old-Person-
Gun, Getaway Car.
Best time to leave: Now now now, mama!
Things you should try: If you have a fast car you could try
driving up the pavement on the wrong side
of the street playing a game called "Dent
The Pensioner." Alternatively ram-raiding
a charity shop is a stimulating (if not
exactly rewarding) experience.
Things you should avoid: Head-on collisions with oncoming cars.
Believe me, I had one once, and now I
know what a pensioner feels like when
dented.
Things you should forget: Futile parking tickets, beautiful young
shop assistant's names (they're never
the same from day to day).
Things you mustn't lose: Your cool. Your calm. Your composure.
Your towel. And your way out.