This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
Stockport Grammar School is an educational establishment somewhere in the middle of the islands called Britain, founded in 1487 by a cattle-rustler from London Town (not to be confused with London City, which is the same place -- London City is 500 years older and smells much the same) named Edmund Shaa, who insisted it be established in memory of his Fader, Moder and Childrenne. It was originally thought that this poor illiterate sheep-chaser had been referring to his family, but it is now realised that he was the Nostradamus of Unpopular Kitchen Appliances. The school has changed location many times since it began, partly for educational reasons and partly to accomodate increasing numbers of pupils, but mainly to accomodate the increasing size of the pupils, as was the fashion in respectable late nineteenth and early twentieth century households. As late as 1911, a Chemistry practical lesson managed to conclusively prove that a Third Year named Barnsley "Barnhouse" Botchley -- Biggins had such an immense mass that he was generating his own gravitational field. Botchley-Biggins was nearly expelled in 1912 when it was alleged that he had used this gravitational field to an unfair advantage in a soccer match, but when it was later discovered that he had tied the ball to his foot with a piece of string, he got off lightly with a beating and public humiliation. The school did not become co-educational until as late as the 1970s. Initially this caused a great deal of disorientation amongst the older schoolmasters, who for several years afterwards continued to beat all women out of the school premises with large sticks. Certain measures were taken to help accomodate pupils of the alternative gender, including the building of Home Economics classrooms, where the boys can still hide today if the girls are being too dangerous at hockey. Sport is strongly encouraged in the school, with the systematic weekly humiliation by older, bigger and stronger people forming a key part of each pupil's education. Whilst the school is proud of its histories in rugby, cricket and lacrosse, and has a remarkable display of large padding, even larger protective clothing and extremely large plastercasts to prove it, "alternative" sports are widely available, and previously unathletic new pupils may quickly find themselves excelling in unexpected fields, such as basketball, volleyball, tennis, or hiding from scary P.E. teachers. The school is also proud of its academic record, with many of its pupils achieving high grades in externally moderated exams and tests, such as A-levels, GCSEs, and Grade 3 Xylophone Theory. Very few pupils have been confirmed as dying of stress-related mental disorders and the majority of school attendees have found the examinations room by the end of their time in the school. Anyone wishing to know more about the school is advised to volunteer as an Open Day Guinea-Pig. The Open Day Studies are subtle and carefully planned scientific experiments, during which selected pupils at the school are exposed to human beings from the real world, in order to see how the pupils react and cope with such unpredictable stimuli. Many of the pupils fare well, often merely losing the power of speech and forgetting their way around familiar surroundings. Some are not so lucky, however, and when faced with difficult questionning ("what do you like about this school?" or "what kind of thing do you learn?") have been known to faint, suffocate, shrink to half their original height, or, in some extreme cases, explode. Interstellar visitors to the establishment should note that a Visitor's Badge system operates on the premises. In order to counter an increasing occurrence of theft from school property, all visitors should report to the Main Office, where they are issued with a numbered Visitor's Badge; all pupils are under strict instruction that anyone seen wearing neither school uniform nor Visitor's Badge should be shot on sight, and asked searching questions later. Unless they look like a groundsman. Or a parent. Or an obscure Economics teacher. Or they just look friendly. Or if there's more than two of them, in which case the teachers are too scared to approach them anyway. Visitors time-travelling to before 1995 will require a large yellow plastic block with the number "5" engraved on it in black, that should rattle in an embarrassing manner and be audible from 300 yards. Visitors to the school 1996-2005 will require small shiny bendy red plastic, providing it is illegible from 3 yards. Visitors from Autumn Term 2005 onwards are advised to wear heavy protective clothing because they will just be shot at. Visitors will not be required to bring their own food, since the amicable dinner ladies are happy to serve anyone, although those not in school uniform should use the teachers' food area and sit amongst other teachers. If this persona does not suit you, you could alternatively imitate either German exchange visitors (sitting alone in the corner because everybody's too embarrassed to speak to you) or History teachers (repeatedly sitting as near to attractive Fifth Form girls as possible in a blatantly dodgy way). If the Dining Hall atmosphere is completely against your liking, eat a First Year. If your appetite is low and you can't manage a whole one, gain favour by sharing the carcass around the Staff Common Room. Stockport Grammar School provides an entertaining visit for the life-weary or easily-amused traveller, especially during lunchtimes when rampant Music teachers are allowed to dictate the moment of every pupil, and throughout the day in the Sixth Form Common Rooms, where bruised and battered young adults compare wounds and provide profound insight into the meanings of pain. Recommended.