This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
The Theory
==========
This article is being written to answer the increasingly vexing questions
plaguing mankind, such as, "What happened to that other sock?" or "Why'd
the network cancel that show?" The answer, plainly and simply, is the
Universal Reduction Theory. The theory states that matter is temporary, and
what the matter is used for is directly attributable to the lifespan of the
material. When the lifespan of an object is up, it disappears. For
instance, a left sock has an average lifespan of about two weeks, while a
right sock can continue to exist for up to thirty.
But by far the biggest question plaguing the Universal Reduction Theory is
what is causing the reduction of the universe. There are two
possibilities:
a) It could be some kind of deity [1], or
b) it could be the nature of the universe itself.
Another thing that seems odd is that the lifespan of any given object is
inversely proportional to the amount of happiness the owner feels about
having it. For instance, the lifespan of a nice watch, in my case, seems
to be about two weeks. But, I've been told that a fruitcake can be stored
in a sauna for one hundred years with no ill effects. Also, the size of an
object seems to be related to how easily it disappears. A watch screw will
blink out of existence long before a car does. This would seem to support
the universe's nature argument, as any deity would give each object equal
consideration, but if it happens naturally, it would be like a river
pulling either a pebble or a mountain downstream. This also disproves the
infinite universe bit. If the universe were infinite, then a car would
disappear more often, as a result of the added strength of its forces.
Origin Of Theories
==================
I came up with this theory at about two-thirty one morning. I walked into
my room, lo and behold, my mattress had fallen prey to the theory I was
about to formulate. It was not the first piece of my property, of course,
to be missing by these laws. I have lost thousands of socks, several CDs,
and half of a yo-yo (there are more, but these are the only ones I can
think of). With this great mystery of life solved, the world must now owe
me a tremendous debt. I am willing to accept any form of currency as a
result of my breakthrough theory. By the way, my mattress had just been
moved into another room for no very good reason.
[1] See The Hitchhiker's Trilogy by Douglas Adams for information on
deities, not to be confused with diets which are something else
entirely.