This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
Not to be confused with the "subway" you may find in some Earth cities
located in England -- namely, a dank pit dug under a street -- the subway in
New York is a dank pit dug under a street that has trains running through
it [1,2].
The purpose of these trains is to move people from a certain location
within the city to another location within the city, even though that
particular location may not necessarily be the location to which they
wanted to travel. This is because the subway system was not all created
at once, but rather was built slowly over a period of 92 years, by at
least fifty-six completely different designers. This results in some
comical situations, such as when trains arrive at the portion of the
system where someone thought it would be neat if the subway tunnel was the
size of a small rodent.
If you would like to take a ride on the New York subway, first locate a
staircase that leads down underneath a New York street [3]. Eventually,
you will find yourself in a strange new world, full of metal fences and
tile walls. Located somewhere in here is a small structure with a
creature inside. This creature is a female of the species commonly known
as "token booth attendant." You will need one dollar and fifty cents in
American money. Put it in the slot located just underneath the token
booth attendant; this distracts the token booth attendant enough so that
you can grab a token booth attendant egg (in the form of a shiny metallic
disc, commonly known as a "token") from the same slot. Pause a minute to
note the unique markings of the token booth attendant egg -- they almost
seem to spell out the English words "GOOD FOR ONE FARE"!
Take the egg over to one of the nests of the male token booth attendant
(commonly known as a "turn stile"; they tend to nest together in groups of
six or seven), and deposit it in the slot on top (the ovireceptor). The
male token booth attendant will relax his arm, allowing you to push
through it. You will have helped continue the token booth attendant
species.
You will then be directed to a specific place to wait for a train by
overhead signs. The trains are named after various letters and numbers;
to figure out which train to take, just use the train whose letter or
number matches the first letter or number of the street or neighborhood or
building you are trying to get to. For example, if you are trying to get
to an address on West 4th Street, take the "4" train; if you are trying to
get to Greenwich Village, take the "G" train; if you are trying to get to
Penn Station, take the "P" train, which doesn't exist, which means there
is no way to get to Penn Station on the subway, at least as far as I can
tell.
There are some bizarre variations in which train stops where. For
example, "local" trains stop at every station, "express" trains stop only
at "express" stations, "trains with broken brakes" never stop, "rush hour"
trains end up on a completely different track than the "midday" train that
used the same platform until about 3 minutes ago, which means you're going
to end up in Queens instead of Manhattan, especially since people are
packed into this train so full that you can't get to the door, much less
inhale successfully.
At certain times on the train, you will hear an announcement coming from
the public-address system. Here is a translation guide to the most common
phrases:
* Graggggggaaacrssssppp: please do not lean against the doors.
* Brxxxxxxugrrrrrr: there is going to be a slight delay.
* Crxsssssgggggscrtchscrtch: there is going to be a major delay.
* Rgglrgglspmmmmgrppll: this train is going out of service.
While on board the train, in between trying to decipher these
announcements, you can peruse the reading material helpfully provided for
you. This is mainly in the form of various letters etched into the
windows by New Yorkers commemorating historical anniversaries and the
like [4].
There is reportedly a large piece of paper available that explains all of
this in much greater detail; however, the existence of the "subway map" is
generally considered to be an urban legend [5].
Once you end up back on the street again -- if you end up back on the street
again -- after your subway ride, you may find the landscape like nothing you
have ever seen in any solar system. Do not worry; this is completely
normal. Merely turn around quickly and repeat the subway-riding process,
this time exiting at a different station.
[1] For some reason, in some locations in New York, the subway is elevated
above the street, but still called the subway.
[2] In London the subway style train system is called the "Underground"
even though some of it too is above ground level. There is a
diagrammatic map of the underground with each line represented by a
different colour. Trains stop at all stations on that line until they
terminate and turn around. Fares differ depending on which zones you
cross.
[3] In Times Square, some of these staircases may lead to what are
commonly known as "XXX-rated movie theaters." These are a good
simulation of what riding the subway is like, without any of the danger.
[4] Until about fifteen years ago, the common mode of expression was to
spray paint the letters onto the walls of the train; the change in
medium is just another example of the constant variety that marks life
in New York.
[5] Tired of being asked for these nonexistent "subway maps", the
information booth at Grand Central Terminal posts a sign that says
"Temporarily out of subway maps" at all times.