This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
Hitchhikers, if you want to get off this planet (Earth), don't bother
sticking up your thumb towards the sky in the hope to hitch a hike from
an extra-terrestrial spacecraft. "Why is that?", the more adventurous and
optimistic hitchhikers might ask. Well, it's simply because, contrary to
what many people have been led to believe, Earth is already equipped with
a functioning (albeit weak) defensive shield against extra-terrestrial
visitors. We all remember the billion dollar project by the United States
government to put a grid of potent lasers around the Earth to defend the
country against nuclear missiles. This "Star Wars" project never came to
full realization, but it wasn't because they failed their mission. Their
goal, namely, wasn't to put a functioning laser grid in space, but to divert
attention from the grid that is already there (which was upgraded in the
process).
For centuries, the governments of a variety of nations have known that the
Earth is being visited by aliens. The people in power have always found the
superior extra-terrestrial technology terrifying, especially because they
can't get their hands on it. So they sought for a way within the grasp of
us simple earthlings to put a "No Parking" sign for aliens outside the
atmosphere. And they found one, using the activity at which the human race
is superior: MAKING RUBBISH.
So a program was openly executed to find ways of reaching the upper
atmosphere. Once this program was successful, all kinds of junk were put
into space to form a grid where no spaceship could pass through without
being damaged. The real goal of putting up an Earth Defence Shield was
covered up by pretending that it was for scientific and communicative
purposes. In that respect the project has had some wonderful side effects,
advanced astronomical research, satellite television (although it is
questioned if this side effect was a positive one), elaborate weather
forecasts, burn resistant pans, matchbox toys, global positioning, etc.
However, we mustn't forget what the effort was originally for!
The inner circle of the conspiracy boasts that they've had a definite first
success of the shield already: the damaged UFO that crashed in Roswell,
USA, in the summer of 1947. Critics subtly point out that that is a bit
unlikely, because the date of the crash is just a little bit earlier than
the launch of sputnik, the first satellite.
A definitive positive side effect of the Earth Defence Shield is that it
is at the same time a Universe Defence Shield, a shield to protect the
citizens of the Universe against human stupidity. Humans, after all, are
the species who nearly destroyed the Earth because they forgot to pay the
electricity bill [1].
So now there are millions of pieces of debris in orbit around the Earth,
ranging from splinters of paint hurling along with magnificent speeds, to
whole rocket stages. So you can just forget about being picked up by an
UFO, comprende?
[1] True! Recently the cooling systems of nuclear installations on board of
Russian submarines suddenly stopped because there was no electricity;
the navy had forgotten to pay the electricity bill. A nuclear meltdown,
and a consequent destruction of most life on Earth, was narrowly avoided
by forcing the electricity company *at gunpoint* to put the power on
again [2].
[2] Source: "De Volkskrant", a big Dutch newspaper.