This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
Marriage is an institution common to many of the multisex species of the
Galaxy. While theories as to the purpose of marriage are plentiful, the
most popular to date is attributed to Dar Beton, of Oonoogle III, and goes
something like this:
Wealth is finite. Anything quantifiable must by definition be finite,
and if wealth isn't quantifiable why does everyone want so much of it?
Since wealth is finite, it eventually ends up laying about in the
pockets of those individuals who prove the best at acquiring it (usually
politicians, or "thieves" as they are sometimes called.) A finite
amount of wealth sitting around doing nothing does no one good, and
logically must be redistributed to those most likely to get it out
into the Galactic Market where it can at least get some fresh air.
"What's all this got to do with marriage?" you say. Well, marriage is
the input cycle of the most efficient wealth redistribution system
since Social Security (see Earth History, Mistakes of) having the effect
of splitting any accumulated wealth into roughly equal halves (or thirds,
sevenths, or harmonic ninths, depending on the planet) every few years or
so.
The redistribution, or output cycle of the system is called divorce, and
has the one, unfortunate side effect of increasing the number of lawyers
within a given culture. On Earth, various attempts at lawyer
redistribution always have the effect of relocating half the lawyers in a
given region to Los Angeles. This effect is not understood, and deserves
further study.
It is also important to note that while the Earth itself is "Mostly
Harmless," Earth lawyers are not, and should be avoided.
So, if Dar Beton's theory is in fact true, divorce is not the end result of
a marriage that "didn't work out," but is in fact the ultimately desired
result of a completely successful marriage. Rare cases of lasting, happy
marriages have been documented, but these are generally attributed to folks
who either just aren't trying, or just don't know how to ruin a marriage.
Not knowing how to ruin a marriage is something akin to not knowing how to
knock over a house of cards. All the elements are there, the laws of
physics are steadfastly on your side, but somehow the damn thing stays
together. It is for this reason that the following instructions may
seem painfully obvious to those of you who are `with the program.' If you
already know how to ruin a marriage, go look up something else.
How to ruin your marriage:
1) Fall madly in love with the wrong sort of person. This
includes but is not limited to: someone just like yourself,
someone totally different from you, someone who reminds you
of your mother/father/gene-donor, a congressman, Elizabeth
Taylor, or any lawyer.
2) Spend lots of time together.
3) Tell everyone you know (and anyone else who will listen) how
`perfect' and `wonderful' your relationship is. Be sure to
include the words, "We never fight."
4) Fight, a lot. While this step seems rather obvious, you
wouldn't be reading this if you could figure this stuff out
for yourself.
5) Have an affair. This step is not completely necessary to
ruin your marriage, but it can be helpful, and can also have
the added benefit of leading to another, more successfully
unhappy marriage for the unfaithful party.
6) Blame. It is important to blame someone, anyone, and/or
everyone once it has become apparent that your efforts are
beginning to bear fruit.
Blaming yourself is acceptable, so long as you are not
attempting to take CREDIT for the terrible mess your marriage
has become. Blame has nothing to do with the actual credit
for the relationship's demise, because while you may be
thinking you've thus far done a real hoopy job of it, it is
important to remember that the other party (or parties) may
have been working equally hard toward making your marriage a
divorce to be proud of.
These steps are suggested as a rough framework. Feel free to experiment
and find your own, unique style. Remember - there may be only one way to
skin a cat, but the ways to ruin a marriage are as infinite as the Galaxy
itself. So, get out there and make each other miserable, and the Universe
will reap the rewards of your unions again and again.