This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
"YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY TEN MILLION DOLLARS." We've all seen this. Every once in a while, you get a letter in the mail which says "You, Gerry Canavan (or whatever your name happens to be), are completely guaranteed to be the winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse (or Reader's Digest, or Sweepstakes Clearinghouse, or whatever the particular contest happens to be) contest and are completely guaranteed to receive TEN MILLION DOLLARS!" "Great!" you think to yourself. "I've won! I'm a winner!" But when you open the envelope you discover that they've sneakily written the words "If you return the winning entry." You've been fooled into opening a worthless piece of junk mail! But still, it MIGHT be possible. You MIGHT have won the ten million. It passes through your mind every time you get one; would they go to the trouble of actually PRINTING my name of the letter if I hadn't won? The often romanized image of Ed McManhon strolling up to your doorway carrying an oversize check -- could it ever happen? Is it real? Or is it an insidious plot to sell magazines? THE FACTS: 1) No one has actually knows a winner. Despite the fact that every one of these contests has a list of at least six previous winners, no one KNOWS one. Could this be true? Somebody in America MUST know one of the winners! 2) How much money do these magazine companies have? How can they give away 10 million dollars per prize? All they're doing is selling magazines. Is this that profitable, and if so, how come the guy down at the newsstand isn't giving away 10 million dollar prizes? 3) What's the tactical advantage of giving away 10 million dollars to sell a few magazines? Is the average American saying, "well, I normally wouldn't want to read this magazine, but since they're giving away millions of dollars, I think I'll go for it." Are we, as a nation, this stupid? 4) Has a contest ever actually ended? It appears that every time you get one of these letters, you've simply made it into "the next level of competition." I must be in the ten millionth level of competition by now. THE ANSWER: So what is the answer? The only evidence we have that they are real, legitimate, contests, is a quickee commercial right after the Super Bowl, in which *supposedly* they presented someone a woman with 10 million dollars. But can we trust a commercial? If we believe this one, do we believe that little beer cans are really running around during the Bud Bowl? The answer is a simple, two letter word beginning with 'n' and ending in 'o'. This article does not necessarily reflect the opinions of Project Galactic Guide. If you wish to sue somebody, please do not sue Project Galactic Guide.