This article is classified "Partly real, partly fictional"
The phenomenon of traffic jams always being proceeded by slow and carefully driven cars with drivers wearing hats seems to be universal (at least in the Western world). I had heard it applied throughout many countries... My question is why? Is there some sort of secret Hat Drivers Association where they all band together to spread confusion. Possibly the style of hat is a secret symbol, recognised only by other Hatted Drivers. [SCENE: Hatted Drivers Australian HQ, Melbourne. An elderly man wearing one of those greenish cloth fishing hats is standing, watching a multitude of other elderly people, who in turn are watching computer screens, reading hard copy, and talking on telephones] [Man wearing fedora comes running up, gasping] Fedora Man: Sir! Just in. (Hands over a piece of paper). Leader: Good God - Traffic on the freeway moving clearly! Emergency stations! Deploy elite HD squad! [Camera pans, showing the HQ springing to action, people yelling into phones, typing furiously on computers.] [Scene 2: Elderly gent's home. Elderly man is sitting reading, when the "special" phone rings. Man picks up phone.] Voice On Phone: Hello, I was just looking for a box of pickles. Elderly Man: You'll find them in the swimming pool. [A moment of silence as the codes are checked, then:] Voice: We have a situation here, traffic is flowing freely on the freeway - something must be done immediately! We need you to rectify the situation. We're all counting on you, do your best. Man: I'm on it. [Man walks to large ornate box in corner, opens it. A cloth hat is nestled inside. The cap is gently removed from the box.] Man: Come on old boy, we've got work to do. [Scene: Outside man's house. Sound of a supercharged engine and a roar of tires, and a powder blue Volvo screams out of the driveway, through two lanes of traffic, over a median strip, and towards the freeway.] [Scene: Eight minutes later, Volvo is weaving gently from lane to lane, holding a steady 60 kph in a 100 zone, with left hand indicator going. Traffic is banked up for miles] Enraged Driver: LOOK AT THAT BASTARD!!!! (Leans on horn.) Passenger: And he's wearing a goddam hat! Hatted Driver: Calling HQ, situation is under control. [Hatted driver waves to counterpart in ancient Morris Minor, also weaving erratically] END. The scary thing is, they exist.... No, honestly.