This article is classified "Real"
There is a fine art to writing like the late great Douglas Adams (late not
because he is dead but because he is usually tardy due to his numerous
mid-morning naps, quick baths, Bovril sandwiches, mid-afternoon naps, more
quick baths, and attempts to avoid deadlines and appointments). Writing
like Douglas Adams is not unlike slamming your head several times against a
stucco wall. You get people's attention and you have a horrid headache when
it is all over.
This article will attempt to assist the above-average, run-of-the-mill,
common, every-day hitch-hiker in how to impress his or her peers with
delusions of Adamsness, rounded with a swift slam into a stucco wall.
First it is vitally necessary to have actually read some of his works [1].
If you are an aspiring writer for Project Galactic Guide but have yet to
actually read any of the following works, then kindly slam your head into a
nearby stucco wall, go to your nearest bookstore or library, and look up the
following titles, all of which should have "by Douglas Adams" somewhere on
the cover:
Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (HGTTG) [2]
Restaurant At The End of the Universe (RATEOTU)
Life, the Universe, and Everything (LTUAE)
So Long And Thanks For All The Fish (SLATFATF)
Mostly Harmless (Mostly Harmless)
Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (That Other Thing)
Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul (The Sequel To That Other Thing)
Last Chance To See (The Really Cool Thing That Has Nothing To Do
With The Rest Of It)
The Original Hitchhiker Radio Scripts (The Radio Thing)
The More Than Complete Hitchhiker's Guide (All The Things Put
Together)
[3]
That last one includes "Young Zaphod Plays It Safe" which is a horrid
short story, and was obviously written by DNA when he was out of Bovril
Sandwiches, but it's still a fun spin around the block of DNA's mind.
What Not To Do:
===============
After you have successfully read whatever you can get your hands on, the
next step is to forget everything. It's incredibly tempting (and I still do
this on occasion) to regurgitate what DNA did with a few mild alterations
tossed in here and there. The best way to honor DNA's style is to do your
own thing, and toss occasional regurgitations of DNAness in here and there.
For example:
"The Internet is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly,
hugely mind-boggingly bit it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down
the road to the local convenience store, but that's just peanuts to the
Internet. Listen..."
The original DNA version uses the word "space" but this variation is
actually from one of my early submissions to the Project Galactic Guide.
Except for a few other alterations, this is word for word from Chapter Eight
of DNA's HGTTG. This is a bad example of how to write "like" DNA. I'm
not just writing like him, I am verging on the edge of plagiarism. Even if
you give the Brit credit for it, it's still just not creative enough.
Now, let's look at this possibility:
"The Internet is big. It's a monster. Someone should come along and poke a
hole in its balloon of an ego because the thing is about to take over Tokyo.
No one in their right mind could even hope to fathom the vastness of exactly
what the Internet is, or even what it pretends to be, which is almost as big
if not as big as the Internet itself, and the two of them together make
Dolly Parton's breasts look like jelly beans."
Here, we start with a hint of what fellow DNA enthusiasts may recognize, but
we derail the original concept with a new train of thought. But how do we
know this new train of thought is "DNAish"? And how do we know it will get
to Bolton on time for us to catch the 3:47 to Islington?
Answer. It isn't really, but it has a similar flavour and style comparable
to that of DNA. It has a similar rhythm. It butchers the English language
in much the same way without sounding grammatically incorrect or
intellectually inferior, and most importantly it is funny.
Well. Alright. That may be pushing it a little, but some people may
think it is funny, and that's the whole point: to reveal the world through
the eyes of a smiling face, using words.
How To Do It:
=============
Here are some "tricks of the trade" that are generally guaranteed to make an
article appear to be DNAish when in fact it will not be. It will be "XYZish"
with XYZ being your first, middle and last initials, respectively.
1. Throw Aways
--------------
Actually trying to define specific examples of DNA's work is very difficult.
This example typifies the genre. It is vitally difficult to actually come
right out and explain what DNA does with "throw aways" without actually
doing something similar. You may find yourself reading a paragraph of DNA's
stories, waiting on pins and needles for the outcome of the plot, and DNA
will toss something into the mix which suddenly makes you realize you are
sitting on a pin cushion.
Throw aways usually show up at the end of a paragraph, though not always.
Sometimes they just sort of pop in like flotsam and jetsam on a paper plate.
The text goes along explaining how "our heroes" are suffering through this
and that and suddenly out of the blue DNA will inform us that one of the
characters bruised an elbow for no apparent reason whatsoever. These sort
of "jokes" are not jokes at all, and the humour itself is often lost if the
line that creates the humour is taken out of context. DNA phrases like "I
wonder if it will be friends with me?" or "..small furry creatures from
Alpha Centauri were REAL small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri," or "ask
a glass of water" are not generally funny in and of themselves, but in
context, they are the throw aways which DNA put at the end of some funny bits.
To create a Throw Away, you have to understand the rhythm of DNA's work.
Which brings us to the next "trick of the trade."
2. Rhythm
---------
Whoever said that Brits have no rhythm obviously never met Douglas Adams.
Granted he may not be able to dance the foxtrot, but when it comes to
writing humorous prose, he dances circles around everyone else. He is a
gentleman comic writer's gentleman comic writer. He is the cream of the
crop. To put it bluntly, he is the cat's pajamas, which really surprised
the cat.
The previous paragraph has DNA rhythm. The next paragraph tells you why.
The first sentences set up the gag by placing the important points to know
in order to make the rest of the paragraph work. The first sentence
explains that the author wants your mind to be focused on the concept of
Douglas Adams having or not having some semblance of rhythm. The author
will definitely not want to keep you on this topic, but the first sentence
sets up a foundation, complete with a rug that the author will hope to rip
out from under you by paragraph's end [4].
The second sentence and others leading up to the final sentence continue
to talk in the vein of the first, further adding detail and if this were
a story line, explaining events and character reactions and what not.
Somewhere in the context of the paragraph will be a reference that appears
to just be there to further explain the first sentence, but is in actuality
the "rug" which is used in the last sentence to be ripped out from under the
reader.
So there are three things to look for when studying the rhythm of DNA's
style. The setup, the "rug" or "banana peel", and the punch line. All
jokes work under this formula, but DNA has taken the art of joke telling and
the art of story telling to a penultimate extreme. He has artfully blended
the two into one in such a way as to place five jokes where the average
person can only do one. Sometimes he can accomplish the traditional joke
telling rhythm in one paragraph. Sometimes he can do it in one sentence.
He blends it so well into the prose you don't even realize it's happening.
Well now you will after reading this. In fact, you may either find a whole
new way to appreciate DNA after reading this, or reading this may have
completely destroyed any chance for you to properly appreciate DNA ever
again. It's kinda like dissecting a frog. You never see a frog in the same
way again after knowing it has a liver.
This is not something DNA invented. It is age old joke telling and story
telling. However, it is something that DNA has perfected, and is uncanny at
accomplishing successfully. You and I can only hope to learn from his style
and from it eventually create our own style, but for the purposes of
purposefully writing like DNA, it is necessary to note we can only write
like him. We'll never be successful at being as good or just like him.
The man is after all a master at the craft.
3. Repetition/Running Bits
--------------------------
DNA has a tendency of tossing in an out-of-the-ordinary statement and then
repeating it throughout the following paragraphs or throughout the book.
While this is not a completely original DNA gimmick, he uses it to great
effect.
An example includes how he went through a long, dramatic bit about the whale
falling in deep space to certain death and then later referring to Arthur
encountering whale meat on the surface of Magrathea.
The use of hitchhiker entries is another motif which he used throughout the
Hitchhiker series, which occasionally started with the familiar "The
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about..."
But more specifically, lines like Marvin's "I think you ought to know I'm
feeling very depressed" and their variations are particularly funny the
farther into the series you get, to the point where you look forward to the
next "Marvin chapter" because you're pretty sure it's going to have some
funny bits in it. By creating humorous repetitive statements, you make the
casual reader want to read farther, to see if he or she catches the next
one. Invariably, you never catch the next one, it always sneaks up on you,
and that goes back to rhythm.
When you use repeat motifs, it is dangerous to do it too much. Three is a
nice round number. That's safe. Douglas Adams often does it more than
three times, but after the third or fourth time he sometimes tends to start
stretching it out a bit.
By stretching it out, you don't see it coming anymore. If a statement is
repeated several times in two pages, you're expecting it to come up again,
but if the statement is only mentioned once or twice, and then doesn't come
back until three pages later, the third time will sneak up on you. You
won't see it coming. Look at the last half of Chapter fifteen in RATEOTU
for a prime example of repetition in words.
This can also be done with characters, settings, or pretty much anything
that is a noun. Notice that in the first book, Marvin is introduced rather
late into the story, is used in a latently predominant way in the second
book, and appears only rarely throughout the rest of the series. That is
because Marvin is a relatively repeatable character. Not much depth. Just
a bunch of depressing side notes. Had DNA focused on Marvin through the
majority of the series like he did with Arthur Dent, the book may not have
been as successful, because Marvin tends to grate on one's nerves after
a while, in large doses.
The phrase "a nice hot cup of tea" is perhaps the most profound example of
repetitive phrases. You will find it throughout the series. Notice that
repetitive phrases are rarely used in the same way, but that it is different
variables which create the need for the repetitive phrase to appear.
Since it is plagiarism to use DNA's repetitive phrases, you will have to
create your own. You may consider having one repetitive phrase incorporated
into your essay about three times (I would not suggest more than that, as it
will get grating) and even consider using the same repetitive phrase
throughout the course of all your works, if it fits. Don't force it.
Repetition is not something that has to be in a DNAish article to be DNAish.
It's like tabasco sauce. It should be used sparingly, unless you like not
feeling your tongue.
4. Matter Of Fact Description Of Facts
--------------------------------------
Regardless of how terrible or horrendous or mind-boggingly life-threatening
the situation is, the narration of DNA's works retains a sense of pure
objectivity and blatant half-hearted interest regarding the entire ordeal.
A good example is from the end of Chapter 17, in HGTTG:
"The next thing that happened was a mind-mangling explosion of noise and
light."
Rather matter of fact. Other authors would try to use colorful metaphors[5]
and fancy adjectives, but not our Douglas! He just tells us what happened
and then moves on to the next chapter. Very dry and droll, and quite
effective. So if you find yourself describing explosions in any particular
detail of color or sound, just minimize your efforts and you'll sound more
like DNA [6].
5. Content
----------
Something is not DNA unless there is something strange about the content.
DNA doesn't just write boy meets girl stories. DNA writes boy meets
intergalactic bug bladder beast that insists on eating his favorite girl
stories [7].
The article starts about a specific subject, and should end talking about
that specific subject, but don't for a moment think that you have to
concentrate on that same subject throughout. DNA is notorious about
introducing something into the content of a story that has absolutely
nothing to do with the rest of it, and still manage to stay on track with
whatever the plot may or may not be.
That's another thing. Don't worry too much about plot. You're writing an
article for the guide. You're not writing the sixth book in the trilogy.
PGG articles rarely have plots. By the way, DNA's plots are never linear.
Point A doesn't necessarily have to go to point B. Especially if you have a
time machine and know how to sneeze backwards.
In RATEOTU, DNA introduces the mattress creatures of Squornshellous Zeta.
They are actually there as a sort of backdrop to the scene, and to give
Marvin a "foil" or a fancy writing term for "someone to talk to." They are
not of any major importance to anything that is going on, and they are never
really mentioned again except in passing in the later books. There's no
reason for them to be there, but DNA put them there anyway to upset the
content.
If in doubt, upset the content. Throw something in there for no reason and
see if the editors slap you for it [8].
Editor's Footnotes [9]:
[1] Reading someone's work and then writing like it instantly requires you
to be an amateur. The number of times I have heard professional authors
say that they don't read modern fiction is frightening. Some of them
have even had solicitors' letters in the post.
[2] Also known as "HHGTTG" which is strange because "Hitchhikers" is one
word.
[3] For some reason the author of this article missed out "The Meaning of
Liff" by Douglas Adams and John Lloyd [10]. This is an invaluable book
to have with you when searching for third level Masonic knowledge. It
also has several maps of Britain. Take for instance the most true entry
I have yet come across:
"Glasgow (n) The feeling of infinite sadness engendered
when walking through a place filled with people fifteen
years younger than yourself."
[4] It can sometimes be said that too much deconstruction spoils the humour.
[5] Well actually I call that a metaphor too, so I disagree with you there.
[6] On the other hand the biggest problem with PGG writers is that they use
too many words.
[7] One of the shortest science fiction stories on record goes like this.
Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy builds girl.
[8] Don't tempt me.
[9] Sorry about all these footnotes. I hope they didn't spoil your
enjoyment of this article. -- Editor Number 6.
Librarian's Footnote:
[10] For some reason the editor of this article missed out "The Deeper
Meaning of Liff" by Douglas Adams and John Lloyd, which is basically
the same as "The Meaning of Liff" except it has more entries. -- Editor
Number 8.