This article is classified "Real"
Dallas Texas is located at the latitude of 32.47 North and the longitude
of 96.48 West on a pale blue dot called Earth in the Western Spiral Arm
of the Milky Way Galaxy. Dallas is a city filled with over one million
occasionally sentient Earthlings (Terrans), most of which have no idea
how to ride a horse. However, the rest of the Terrans seem to have a
strange belief that everyone in Dallas not only rides horses, but owns
them and actually likes the smell of a horse's waste byproducts.
Many things can be said negatively about the bipedal life forms called
Terrans, but for the most part they do tend to be potty trained. To a
lesser extent, the populous in Dallas, Texas are no exception.
All the horses are in the city of Fort Worth, just west of Dallas. This
is not proven directly by eyewitnessed sightings of horses, except around
the Fort Worth Stock Yards, well known for annual celebrations in which
grown men climb up on particularly angry horses and pretend to remain on the
backs of the beasts for eight seconds. These are called "rodeos" and their
reference has nothing to do with Dallas and so should be ignored.
The only reason this is brought up at all is because of the fact even
though all the horses are in Fort Worth, every Friday Night at the
"Dallas West End" Cultural District, one can see a helluva lotta "cowboys"
or wanna-be cowboys. These near sentient Terrans can be recognized by their
outlandish dress. Cowboys are attracted to wearing faded leg coverings
called "blue jeans," large, awkward footwear made from the flesh covering of
various animals, and silly looking hats with wide brims that seem to have no
obvious use other than to make an individual look silly.
Today, cowboys in Dallas are not looking for cows, or horses for that
matter. They often find themselves looking for as many alcoholic beverages
as possible, and it would be a very small percentage (read nil) of cowboys
who had even heard of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. None of them have ever
had one to drink. If they had the choice, they would most probably prefer a
six pack of "beer" drunk as quickly as socially and physically possible.
To understand the strange behavior of some Terrans in Dallas, it may be
helpful to look at the city's history. One thousand, eight hundred and
forty-one years after a man in Terra's Fertile Crescent was nailed to a
tree, one particular Terran, whose name has been lost in obscurity, thought
it would be nice to not be nice to an entire forest of trees. He wandered
into what is now Dallas but what was then a nice forest of trees. Once
there he abruptly pulled out a large bladed device called an 'axe' and
without hesitation turned the field of trees into a log cabin. This log
cabin stood alone for two years, as the gentleman had relatively worn
himself out. However, this did not stop someone else coming along and
building another log cabin by threatening yet another group of
non-threatening trees which had up until that point been minding their own
business. This trend continued on an even keel until the 1870s, when there
were enough log cabins and few enough trees to say there was actually a city
there.
Even in this time period, there were not a lot of cowboys. The city was
populated mostly by people of French, German, Swiss, English, and other
European descent. The cowboys came from Fort Worth. Well, more
specifically, they came from all over, but they all tended to go through
Fort Worth because in these days there were few roads, and they all seemed
to go through Fort Worth. A handful of these cowboys would get lost on
their way to Fort Worth and end up next door in Dallas, trying very hard to
look like they were not asking for directions.
This is when the cowboys first discovered Dallas bars.
By 1980, the population of Dallas had risen from two log cabins to 904,559,
plus a handful of cowboys who were still a little lost but too drunk to care
about it. By 1992 this number rose to 1,022,497. This number seems to
continue rising, and the population of trees continues to decline, all to
the chagrin of tree fanciers, who have to vacate the city limits to even get
an idea what a tree looks like.
Today, Dallas is the largest banking center in the southwest. Ironically,
all the money in Dallas seems to be in the northeast corner of the city
limits. South Dallas contains a large number of people with very little
money at all, but since they do all the work around the city, those with
money have deemed it proper to create a transit system called D.A.R.T. DART
is short for Dallas Area Rapid Transit. The fact it takes as long if not
longer to get where you want to go using DART as it would to walk backwards
has no bearing on the name.
Another reason for the financiers of DART to be investing money in this
foolhardy operation has to do with the fact that people on this planet have
just recently discovered that the more trees they tear down to make way for
highways and descendants of log cabins, the less trees there are to suck up
the carbon dioxide which they exhale. This, coupled with the fact that
Terrans drive around in vehicles called "cars" which expel carbon monoxide
(something trees hate about as much as Terrans do), has turned Dallas into
one big cloud of smog.
Due to this, the people who live in north Dallas began a campaign of
"Ozone Alerts" which told people in south Dallas that they still had to get
to work on time, but they really shouldn't use their cars because of all
the smog. The people in southern Dallas responded to this by ignoring it
completely, and therefore the problem continued and a lot of people began
coughing more often, except for the cowboys who by this time had drunken
themselves into a stupor and didn't care about anything.
People elsewhere in Terra were getting upset with the people in Dallas,
which bothered the Terrans in north Dallas but the people in south Dallas
responded to this by ignoring it entirely. Still, the people in north
Dallas believed that by giving the people in south Dallas DART, things
would begin to improve.
DART consists of roughly eighty large yellow buses which give out as much
carbon monoxide as eight hundred cars with bad gas mileage. However, the
DART theory of air improvement runs something like this:
Fact one: The average Dallas Terran drives his/her car to work in
north Dallas from his/her home in south Dallas.
Fact two: These cars are made to seat four to six, except for the
pickups which are all owned by cowboys still suffering
from alcohol poisoning and are taking the day off.
Fact three: The concept of carpooling is about as common to
Dallas Terran nature as not carrying a gun.
Fact four: Thirty people in one DART bus should give off less air
pollution than thirty people in thirty cars that have
better gas mileage, but doesn't.
The Terrans from south Dallas respond to these facts by continuing to drive
their cars. The Terrans from north Dallas have just recently invested a lot
of money in a rail system which would take people from south Dallas to the
DART buses in a feeble attempt to bash their heads in with this idea.
This sort of thing is common in the Dallas sociology. Please see related
entries: Dallas City Council, Reunion Arena Historical, Trinity River
Blues, Dallas Zoo Fiascoes, John Wiley Price, et al.
The following entries will be included in this database after they are
mailed in triplicate to the Dallas City Council for inspection, sat on for
three months and are later found under the bird cage at the Dallas Zoo. In
other words, don't hold your breath unless you visit Dallas, Texas.
Other useless information pertaining to Texas, Dallas, USA, Earth:
http://www.census.gov/ftp/pub/statab/ccdb/
http://govinfo.kerr.orst.edu/cgi-bin/usaco-list?22-113.txc
http://govinfo.kerr.orst.edu/cgi-bin/usaco-list?30-113.txc