This article is classified "Real"
Most people from New Jersey dread the question so frequently heard when people learn where they are from, "Which exit?" This question, of course, refers to that most famous of New Jersey landmarks, the New Jersey Turnpike. It is an odd misconception that most people not from New Jersey have that everyone who does live in New Jersey lives somewhere off the Turnpike. Research has yet to be done into this subject, but many leading minds believe that this strange affliction is due to the fact that the only piece of New Jersey that most out-of-staters ever see is the Turnpike. It is the equivalent of asking an Englishman which part of London they come from, a fairly silly and inaccurate assumption. A turnpike is an American motorway, similar to the Autobahn in Germany or the M1 in England. There is one major difference, however, turnpikes are American, which means they have insane drivers who pay tolls periodically and guzzle ungodly amounts of gasoline. A turnpike, however, ought not be confused with THE Turnpike. The Turnpike refers to the New Jersey Turnpike, the most infamous stretch of road on the eastern coast of North America. The New Jersey Turnpike runs from Deepwater in the south, just across the Delaware River from Wilmington, to West New York in the north, across the Hudson from Manhattan. Along its route, it bisects the state neatly and passes through a great many towns and cities. One city which it passes through is the infamous Newark, New Jersey. Newark has the unique distinction of being the butt of more jokes than even the state of New Jersey itself. Along this northern part of its extent, the Turnpike runs through some of the most polluted land in the United States. It is an interesting coincidence that this area is also the site of the largest ongoing chemical experiment in the world. No one is exactly sure what the experiment is, or what it aims to do, but with the amount of chemicals in the area around the Turnpike in northeastern New Jersey across from New York, some sort of experiment must be going on. The Turnpike is characterized by its high speeds, tolls, its many out of state license plates and the large walls built to either side of it throughout most of its lengt h. These walls were initially thought to be for the prevention of the noise pollution produced by all the cars on the Turnpike. This pollution was thought to disturb the local residents and reduce land values. It is now believed, however, that New Jersey is in fact hiding something from the rest of the world. This something is thought to be very nice and beautiful, which the New Jerseyans do not want the other people in the United States, and in fact, the world, from discovering. The walls along the Turnpike may serve to prevent the out-of-staters from seeing anything which might make them suspect that there is something more to New Jersey than meets the Turnpike. This brings us to another purpose of the Turnpike, public relations. People who have driven on the Turnpike get a very specific impression of New Jersey and New Jersey drivers. Specifically, bad-tempered, polluted, poorly kept roads, high speeds, crazy drivers and a general sense of doom. It is interesting to note, however, that most people actually from New Jersey do not drive on the Turnpike unless they absolutely have to. The reasoning behind this action is that there are too many people who do not know how to drive (ie: out-of-staters) on the Turnpike. When a New Jerseyan does drive on the Turnpike, they drive on it with only one purpose in mind: to get off the Turnpike. Hence, the high speeds and irratibility of the drivers on the Turnpike. This reputation has served New Jersey drivers well throughout the United States, and drivers from other states are known to give New Jersey drivers wide berth on highways. Furthermore, since out-of-staters think that New Jersey is the Turnpike, they do not go mucking about in the other, nicer, non-polluted and generally idyllic parts of the state. The rather high tolls on the Turnpike serve to finance much of the New Jersey's road work, construction and repair. In this way, out-of-staters pay to make New Jerseyan's roads nicer. It is a very ingenious scheme. In this way, the out-of-staters finance making New Jersey nice, while continuing to believe that it is not nice. The Turnpike is a true wonder of modern public relations and finance. Advice for Hitchhiker's on the Turnpike: As a general rule, do not attempt to hitch a ride on the Turnpike. The drivers there are in a bad mood, there is not much space between the walls and the highway, and the speeds are such that one slip will turn you into a crepe. If you have to find a ride, climb over or around a highway wall if possible, and catch a ride on one of the more local roads on the other side. If you find yourself actually driving on the Turnpike, the first action you should immediately take is to pray, passionately and fervently, to whichever deity you feel closest to. The second action you should take is to repress any and all pleasant or nice impulses you may have. The third action you should take is to give a neighboring car, any will do, the middle finger, as a sign of greeting and acknowledgment. After doing this, your safest bet will be to get into the far left lane (the passing lane) and drive five to ten miles per hour faster than the lane to the immediate right. This will allow you to avoid the large tractor-trailer trucks which frequent the Turnpike and pass most of the really stupid drivers who are in the slower lanes. Also, driving in the fast lane will insure that your time on the Turnpike will be as short as possible. You will need to carry at least $5.00 (US, 1995) for tolls. When it comes time for you to exit the Turnpike, be assertive in changing lanes, use your blinker as a force field. Above all, good luck.