This article is classified "Real"
Organising a night out
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Organisation is the key to any successful night. However it is well known
that after five or six pints of Scruttocks Old Dirigible, the brain becomes
incapable of organising anything other than where the next drink is coming
from. This is especially true of a pub crawl. You may make a list of the
venues you wish to visit but after the third or fourth stop you're more
likely to find yourself trying to order six pints and a packet of crisps in
the local launderette than the Dog and Duck.
You can take steps to ensure that your evening is relatively trouble free
though. For instance, try to make sure that your clothing does not resemble
the strip of any major football/local sports team as you can rest assured
that you will run into a gang of rival supporters somewhere along the line.
Don't have people arranging to meet you in different pubs at different
times. You will not make those appointments and no one's reserve
measurements of hoopiness survives the ignominy of drinking alone in a
major city.
Secure five to ten pounds in a sock or other suitable hiding place to use a
cab fare at the end of the night. Cabbies don't appreciate driving you
right across town only to hear how you must have bought one round too many
as your financial supplies have run out. Of course there are some who
maintain an evening's drinking is only successful if it does ends in a court
case so personal judgement is required here.
How to avoid buying a round
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It is said that a true hitchhiker never pays for a drink. Over the years
experienced drinkers have developed many cunning ways in which to avoid
buying a round, each a personal testimony to the creator's skill. To print
a complete list of avoidance tactics would take a complete book (see the
forthcoming Plastered On The Price Of A Bus Fare - also by this author), but
here are a few of the most common methods:
1) When a large party enters a pub it will inevitably divide into
two groups. Make sure you stand in the middle of the two
groups and under no circumstance make it obvious to which group
you belong. If asked say you just bought a round for the
other side. When an order request comes round from either side
just mention whatever your drinking choice is with an air of
complete indifference and it should slip in. Masters of this
tactic are able to time things so that one group is always
delivering just as the previous one's drink runs out.
2) As the night draws on and people's perceptions begin to blur,
try to be in a position where you are able to continually swap
seats or positions without making it obvious. If the group has
any sense they will be trying to run things in a clockwise
order so make sure you remember who paid last and try to be
sitting on their right hand side when the time comes.
3) Never use the "going to the toilet" trick. Once a classic
tactic, this has now been used so many times that everyone is
familiar with it. What will usually happen is that the group
will get the order ready for you, wait for your return and then
give it to you "seeing as how you're up anyway". Skilled
drinkers are able to reverse this tactic though and lay the
round off on someone who has just gotten up for a true call to
nature.
4) A tactic for the early part of the evening is to make sure you
are the one who organises the night. When calling your
friends/bank rolls, ensure they arrive at regular intervals of
fifteen to twenty minutes (depending on your drinking speed).
It is a well known fact that when someone enters a pub after
others have arrived their first words will be "Hi, what can I
get you?" Successful timing (and punctual friends) should
ensure a steady stream of drinks for the first couple of
hours.
5) Finally, Set up a kitty at the start of the evening and appoint
yourself "treasurer". With luck you should be able to buy
your drinks from the change left over from everyone else's
money.
Being served in
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Tips on being served in a major city pub.
1) If you are with a group of friends, always write down the
order on a scrap of paper/napkin/back of a match-box. Failure
to perform this simple task will inevitably lead to one person
getting a pint of the wrong lager, one person unwillingly
drinking soft drinks all night and a collection of "half a
Guinness's" in the middle of the table that nobody ordered.
2) Every pub counter contains a number of "blind spots" - areas
that render a person invisible to the serving staff. These are
commonly located at the corners, behind supporting pillars and
on top of the access hatch. It is not unheard of for a
customer to enter a pub in the afternoon, set up residence
over a blind spot and not be served until the landlord declares
"Time gentlemen please".
3) The best way to be served is to locate the largest group of
people at the bar, push your way through to the front, start
waving a ten pound note around and pretend to be memorising an
order for the group. Staff should be fighting their way
towards you. In some large pubs this has been turned into a
popular sport. A group will place bets on members of the bar
staff, a member of the group will approach the bar in this
fashion and the winner is the person who correctly identifies
the eventual staff member.