This article is classified "Real"
Wherever you travel on the earth, you're sure to hear of a language called English. This is one of the most confusing illogical contradictory languages that you're ever likely to meet in the universe. If possible, avoid speaking it or even trying to listen to it. Written signs in English are usually very good, although I have heard one sad story of a hitchhiker who went into a shop and saw the sign "Lift" but found it too heavy, then saw the sign "Pet supplies" so he did; this wasn't too bad but then he went outside and saw the sign "Compact cars" and went to prison for ten years. Spoken English is another matter altogether. There is a nearly useless book called a dictionary; where you can look up the spelling of a word if you already know what the spelling is. People from Earth are not yet intelligent enough to realise that you need a book that allows you to find the spelling of a spoken word. The "useful phrases" in phrase books are known to be completely, absolutely and totally useless. Avoid them. The best option is to pretend to be deaf, but there are few beings who can do this successfully; so learn to say and recognise the eleven vital English words: yes, no, bar, beer, bed, supermarket, gents, ladies, airport, unemployment, pay. "Bed" is a marvellous word, and can give pleasantly unexpected results; but it can be mistaken for "bet" which, if said in the wrong place, can leave you without any money and without anywhere to sleep but the gutter. If someone says something to you that you don't understand then a reply of "yes" will almost always suffice. The best way to learn spoken English is by watching Sesame Street, a television program, where you can learn such phenomenally useful words as "big bird" and "grouch". But don't get too confident, because there are traps. First there are words which sound the same, are written the same, but have different meanings. A fairly innocuous one is "boss" which can mean "person in charge" or "a round knob or other protuberance". Some other ones could get an innocent hitchhiker in big trouble. For instance, a female being should always be very suspicious of any person who calls her a "heroine". Other troublesome words are: "bag" which can mean "an unpleasant woman" or "shoot"; "bang" which means "have intercourse" or "a big explosion"; "body" which can mean "main part" or "dead animal"; "boob" which can mean "embarrassing mistake" or "women's breast"; "bunny" is a "toy rabbit", a "dupe", or a "girl in skimpy clothing"; "butt" is "buttocks" or "push with head"; "camp" is "tent lodging" or "homosexual". "Can" means "able to" or "metal container" or "prison" or "lavatory"; so you'd better avoid it completely. Instead of "I can", you'd better say "I will"; whoops, that won't do either, use "I could". Then if anyone mishears you it will sound like "I good". Also avoid "I can't", because the word "can't" could be mistaken for another four letter word that starts with "c" and ends in "nt". "Case" means "state of affairs", "container" or "set up a robbery"; "charge" means "ask as a price" or "attack in battle"; "clock" means "time measuring instrument" or "hit on the head"; "club" means "social organisation" or "stick used as weapon"; "crack" means "sudden noise", "crystalline cocaine", "first rate player" or "fissure between buttocks", another word to avoid. Others dangers include "clap", "crumpet", "date", "dish", "dive", "dog", "drip" and "erection". "Going to the dock" could leave you at a ships berth, a criminal court, or with a part of your anatomy cut off. "Getting a draft/draught" could leave you in a breeze (OK), with a preliminary document (OK), a money order (good), a beer (good), or military service (very bad). Just one more, if a person says "draw" and there are no sketchbooks or curtains around, then it's a good idea to run for your life. Some words sound the same but are spelled differently. The following are dangerous if confused. "accost, a cost", "agenda, a gender", "allay, a lay", "allude, a lewd", "amount, a mount", "a rest, arrest", "alms, arms", "applaud, up lord", "bare, bear", "beer, bier", "Bible, buy bull", "buy sexual, bisexual", "brake, break", "campus, camp us", "cannibal, can nibble", "cargo, car go", "carpet, car pet", "CD, seedy", "sent, cent, scent", "chaste, chased", "cheetah, cheater", "chilly, chilli", "cocktail, cock tail", "lookout, look out!", "desirable, desire a bull", "dedicate, dead dick ate", "in continent, incontinent", "486, four ate six", "seas, sees, seize", "going fishin', going fission". In addition, many English words sound similar although not the same. They could easy confuse a hitchhiker. In particular, consonants 'k' and 'g' sound similar, so do 't' and 'd', and 'p' and 'b', and j' and 'ch'. Beware of the following: "bad, pad", "basketball, bars get ball", "bath, path", "best, pest", "pet, bet", "big, pig", "bill, pill", "blaze, plays", "bleeding, pleading", "bold, bolt", "box, pox", "broad, brought", "buck, bug", "cutie pie, cutie bye, cutie buy", "cab, cap", "calculator, gal queue later", "cash, gash", "cello, jello", "choke, joke", "cog, cock", "core, gore", "creed, greed", "cuddle, cut all", "Ford, fought", "debt, dead", "tie, die", "tongue, dung". The "h" sound is often missing from spoken English. So beware of: "armour, harm her", "avenue, have a new", "carrier, carry her", "checkers, check hers", "insider, inside her", "cockle, cock hell", "consumer, cons humour", "ate, hate", "centre/center, scent her", "gladiators, glad he ate hers", "laser, lays her", "committee, commit he". Some short vowels in English 'i', 'e', 'a', 'o', 'u' can sound very similar at times. So watch out for: "available, a vail o' bull", "asset, ass it", "class, kill arse, cull arse", "condom, conned 'em", "contact, cunt act", "dad, dead", "new directions, nude erections". Also, the short 'i' can sound like the long 'e', the short 'u' with the long 'ar', the short 'e' with the long 'air' so don't confuse: "African, a free can, a friggin", "us, arse", "a slicker, arse licker", "bastard, bar stud", "beach, bitch", "calm, come", "card, cut", "civil, 's evil", "dared, dead". And others, such as: "an angel, inane shell", "consummate, cons a mate", "counsellor, cow seller", "disk, disc, dick", "harpist, half pissed", "pianist, penis", and "cunnilingus, cunning linguist" can also cause trouble. Oh yes. In Australia, be particularly careful not to confuse "abnormal" with "aboriginal". Then there are dialects, oh yes, it may surprise you to know that many people of Earth tend to pronounce words differently. For instance, Indians (from India) tend to say a whole sentence all at once, so that it sounds like a very long word. Chinese tend to confuse 'l' with 'r' so avoid talking to them about elections. But the worst speakers of English in the whole world are the English. For instance, some Londoners leave out the occasional letter or word. Once a Londoner came up to me in the street and said "I!". I later figured out that "I!" was short for "Light" which was short for "Do you have a light?" which was short for "Do you have a cigarette lighter that I can borrow for a few seconds and please give it to me" which was short for "I am a nicotine addict and I need a fix right now so hand over a cigarette lighter this second or I will never be friends with you at any time between now and the end of my life". But don't despair, acting dumb works just fine, especially at job interviews. And if you hear a song on the radio and can't make sense of the words then rest secure in the fact that no-one else can either.