Love; If You Really Loved Me, You Wouldn't ...

On Taking Love's Name In Vain

by Dirk van Deun (hw41652@is1.vub.ac.be)
written 01 Aug 1995

This article is classified "Real"


It has been found that many married people are defenceless against the
magic formula "If you really loved me, you wouldn't...".  Husbands and
wives use this formula to put emotional pressure on their beloved ones
when they run out of rational arguments, and in doing so, almost always
have the last word.  The natural result of this policy is, that the one
who runs out of rational arguments first, wins the quarrel.

Let us examine the nature of this formula.  It looks like a logical
implication, but it isn't one.  Actually, any logician will tell you
that "If you really loved me, you wouldn't drink so much" is a totally
false argument, because there is no known necessary correlation between
loving and not drinking.  Indeed, as so many people claim to have met
the love of their life in a bar, there is even reason to suspect that
there is an opposite relation.

But the partner who has spoken the magic formula chooses to be deaf for
logic.  The counter "That's not true, honey" only elicits an irrational
"See ? You don't love me any more !", as if denying the existence of a
logical relationship would also deny the premisses of the alleged
relation.  Experience has shown that in such cases even a one-hour
lecture in formal logic has no appreciable effect.

Thus the formula leaves the other partner three equally unpleasant
choices: either you give up, take your partner in your arms and say "Oh,
honey ..." in a begging intonation; or you try rational arguments, at
which the partner, if female, will usually throw herself weeping upon
the nearest large soft surface, or if male, will usually storm off to
the pub; or you start a regular row, using irrational arguments to
counter irrational arguments.  The last possibility is usually preferred
by elderly couples, maybe due to the availability of a large store of
old irrelevant reproaches.

Using the formula is unfair and leaves the other only undeserved defeat
and deserved grudges.  In fact, if people really love each other, they
would not try to put unfair emotional pressure on their partners with
the "If you really loved me" formula.  That is the only correct riposte;
but don't try it if you aren't prepared to risk divorce.

See also:
  • How To Say "I Love You" In Different Languages
  • Marriage, How To Ruin A

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