Dreams By Mail

The Mail-Order Dreams Business Is Booming

by Mark Young (marky@engin.umich.edu)
written 02 Aug 1994

This article is classified "Fictional"


The first dream recorded to sensa-tape was actually quite boring -- an
un-named psychology student at a back-water university (front-water
universities require their students to have names) dreamt of walking around
their home and finding it empty.  Subjects who later had this dream played
back to them found it so boring that they all fell asleep, and promptly
began dreaming of walking around their homes and finding them empty.

Fortunately for the galactic system of moderately-priced enterprise, the
researcher on that project was a graduate student, poorly paid, on the edge
of starvation, and given to bouts of fantasy about chucking the whole
university scene and going to make his living as a sex-toy on Erotica-VI --
in other words, a perfectly average graduate student.

The student looked at the sensa-tapes that the project had generated, and
saw not merely data that would lead to an unimportant thesis followed by a
career in a dull but life-sustaining faculty position, but recognized the
potential that lurked there: to be a mind-bogglingly dull and stupid thesis
that would not even get him his degree, let alone a faculty position.  He
immediately quit the university and set out for Erotica-VI, tossing the
sensa-tapes into the trash on the way, whence they were rescued by an
enterprise consultant, who convinced a passing business-being that, with a
few touch-ups, the tapes could be a gold-mine.

The consultant sold the tapes for $1200 Altairian, and laughed about it
to his buddies for weeks.  Then the re-touched dreams came out.  The first
run of 50,000 copies sold out in hours at $79.95 Altairian apiece.  Each of
the previously empty rooms had been filled with models from Play-Being
magazine who performed strip-teases and/or get-dressed-teases (depending on
the species of the model and the target market involved).  A brief message
appeared in the last room to the effect that the dreamer should keep an eye
out for the next series of dreams, in which the dreamer would "get to know
the models better."  The consultant saw one tape and then killed himself.

The spectacular success of the first series was followed by the even more
spectacular successes of the second, third and fourth series, and by the
somewhat less successful fifth and sixth series (by which time the models
and dreamers knew each other so well that the models were telling the
dreamers to take out the trash and walk the cyberdog).

Of course this success spawned imitators -- it being estimated that the
number of original thoughts that occur in a given business being over a
given time period is on average somewhat less than the number of compliments
handed out by a particularly unpleasant Vogon captain on the occasion of his
crew getting his ship caught in a traffic jam while the weapons systems are
off-line.

Among these imitators were those that sold their wares through the mail.
This was not terribly successful at first, since so many packages arrived
marked "opened by customs" when the only customs between the vendor and the
purchaser were of the sort that anthropologists write of.  More often than
not there was a slip of paper inside saying that "customs" had seized some
material (the sensa-tape), and that it would be returned once "customs" was
sure that it didn't contain any secret messages that might be harmful to
the security of the state and/or the purchaser or once "customs" went
blind (whichever came first).  This pilferage only ended when J.J. Lipo
Ligantis found one postal employee guilty of theft and ordered them
promoted to supervisor in charge of firing superfluous postal employees.

As for the poor graduate student who invented the process, he never did
make it to Erotica-VI.  He made a stop-over on Niuork -- the planet that
never sleeps -- and was promptly offered a faculty position at the
University of Niuork, on the theory that, if anyone on the planet did ever
manage to fall asleep, it would be nice to get a record of what they dreamt
for posterity.  He's still waiting for something useful to do, but hey,
aren't all professors?

See also:
  • Sleep
  • Ligantis, Justice Lipo

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