This article is classified "Fictional"
The Papal Academy of Sciences has recently declared biological evolution "a fact beyond reasonable doubt." Here follows a transcript of the new Vatican catechism: The Vatican's Latest Stand on Evolution (as revised in the new catechism) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created a heaving earth, and it was in ferment, and no life moved upon it, not even the creeping thing. And God looked thereat and said "Let there be life." And lo the waters of the earth began to grow little things. And God saw his little children, algaesus, as colorful lint in the waters of the deep, and He said: "Cool." And God watched his little children multiply. And He watched. And He watched. And He watched. And He watched. And He watched. And it was morning and night for a few billion years. Then God said: "This algaesus isn't cool anymore." So God said, "Let the little things take unto themselves partners, one cell cleaving to another, that they may work together as a team and grow larger, and experience life in a new way, and give Me something better to watch." And lo, some little things in the oceans began to cleave together as partners, and became bigger little things. And seeing the little things around them, they did give thanks and eat thereof. And thus the bigger little things grew in size, might and cunning. And God watched what he had wrought, and found that it was good. And it was morning and night for a few more hundred million years. Then God said, "Let the bigger little things take unto themselves new habits, that I may see something different." For even His mighty patience was thin from long watching of algaesus. Whereat some of the bigger things in the oceans, which fed on the little things, turned upon their brethren and consumed others after their kind. And God saw this and said "Way cool." And it was morning and night many times again, for a hundred million years, more or less. Then God did return to earth after a quick break, and He found that some of the bigger things had crafted hard shells, and seeing the handiwork of His handiwork, God said: "Awesome. I should have thought of that." And it was morning and night for some more millions of years. And many things, shelled and unshelled, moved in the waters of the deep, and God saw that it was good. Lo. Verily. Then God said "I will take these children of Mine to be with Me in heaven," and he sent a mighty comet down upon the face of the earth to show the path to heaven, and he took unto his bosom many of His creatures. But the few living things He left upon the earth wept and gnashed their shells and toothless gums. And God saw this, and said "Let Us give them something to do, that they may cease their wailing." For God was sometimes not just one person, but a committee. And God commanded the living things left in the waters of the earth to be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the deep oceans with their offspring, and shut up. And it was morning and night for another fifty or eighty million years, and it was less noisy, and God saw that it was good. And as God watched the creatures in the waters of earth, He said: "Let some of my children move onto the dry land, and multiply, and become fruitful, and do other stuff." And lo, the green plant did sprout upon the face of the land, and the creeping thing moved upon the earth, and God looked and saw that it was, if not good, at least different. And it was morning and night for dozens of millions of years. And God said, "Let the dry land move as on the back of a turtle," and the lands did become creeping things, pushing the waters of the deep aside. And some lands did bump into other lands, and there was a gnashing of mountains and weeping of oceans. And God said, "Plates. Groovy." And God looked upon His children that He had taken to be with Him in heaven, and God saw that He had more than enough tribbles from the deep waters, and He said "Let there be no more tribbles." And He stoked the bowels of the earth, which belched forth heat and smoke and flame for forty days and forty nights, give or take a hundred millennia. Therefrom did the tribbles bite the dust. And many other things were also cooked, each after its kind, even the creeping thing. And when the face of the earth was clean again, God looked upon it and saw that almost everything living had disappeared, and He said, "Let there be new moving things in the oceans, new flying things in the air, new stomping things on the land, and even new creeping things." And lo, the waters of the deep begat swimming dragons, and the dry lands begat giant trees and walking dragons, and the skies were filled with flying dragons. And God looked and said, "Bad!" and it was good. And God watched the dragons, which multiplied and were fruitful and begat and begat and begat for a long time. Then God looked at His watch, which is always on the right time, and He said, "Whoops, We wanted to beget man in Our image. We'd better get a move on." And He took the dragons of the sea, and of the land, and of the air to be with Him in heaven, celebrating the occasion with fireworks from heaven and more flames from the bowels of the earth. Then God said, "Let us fashion man in Our own image, starting with these cute little rats." And He gave man dominion over the things that were still left on the earth, even the creeping thing -- except the cockroach.