This article is classified "Fictional"
For some time now the furless monkeys of planet Earth have been polluting the radio frequencies in their sector with evidence that would suggest that there is no intelligent life on the planet. Many of the more intelligent life forms on the planet, who in the past could not have cared less what the presumptuous primates thought, are now making themselves known in order to avoid possibly tragic misunderstandings on a galactic level. The superiority of the dolphins and the mice has long been known, but there are other claims that need to be taken far more seriously than those of the humans. Cats, it has been established, have both the vocal mechanism and the intelligence for human speech. They disdain it. No self-respecting cat would be caught dead doing anything so obvious as to actually say what it wants. They are perfectly capable of communicating their demands with a tiny movement of ear or tail, or, if their human is exceptionally dull, with a single barked triphthong. Dogs are capable of licking their own private parts. Dogs often ask whether, if humans had that capability, they wouldn't spend all of their time at it. Humans do have the distinction of being closely related to the only terran species to both master and use the language of another. The chimpanzee has learned and uses American Sign Language. This has caused the loss of many lucrative grants for clever experiments designed to discover how chimpanzees feel about things. Now one need simply ask them. It is interesting to note that peer review of grants has quickly eliminated all funding for teaching any more chimps American Sign Language. Humans have yet to learn a language of any other creature, though they claim to have made some progress with bees. Whales, when not fleeing a primitive harpoon-wielding human sub-group called Norwegians, would like to know what all the fuss is about their fellow cetacean dolphins. The whale's brain is many times as large. There is a theory that intelligence is based, not on the size of the brain, but on the proportion between the size of brain and size of body. Whales point out that there has never been any evidence to support this theory and that it was invented by humans immediately upon their discovery that humans did not possess the largest brains on the planet. They go on to say that the larger one's body, the less one actually has, or is inclined, to do with it. Thus can the cerebrum concentrate on things cerebral. Whales are more compassionate as well as more intelligent than their genocidal tormentors. While the dumbest whale that ever lived is twice as smart as the smartest Norwegian, no whale has ever harpooned a Norwegian on purpose.