Hoovercraft

They Really Suck

by Ryan Tucker (rtucker@netins.net)
written 17 Jul 1994

This article is classified "Fictional"


In the UK, "hoovers" are the general name for vacuum cleaner, so a
hoovercraft might be some kind of mobile vacuum cleaner which you sit on
and it moves you about.  :-)  This idea has been used in the past as a
replacement for the witch's broom.

Hoovercraft are mobile vacuum cleaners.  They are frequently advertised
on television, as a Self-Propelled Hoover Vacuum Cleaner, but it's really
just a Hoovercraft.  Hoovercrafts are the modern replacement for the
witch's broom, often discussed in Earth mythology.  They are also used by
Cat Catchers to Catch Cats.  In the Cat use, the operator sits on a
special attached seat, which is between the Hoover and the Diesel
Generator.  When s/he wants to Catch a Cat, s/he just starts the generator
and then flips the switch on the Hoover.  The whole setup is propelled
forward.  When Hoovercraft finds a Cat, it homes in and then...
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFOOP!

Another, more domestic, use is as a Really, Really, REALLY BIG HOME Vacuum
Cleaner.  If you have a home the size of, say, Yankee Stadium attached to
Michael Jackson's residence, all you have to do is purchase a Hoovercraft.
Of course, if you're house is that size, you might want to purchase the
optional AutoHoovercraft, which is a computer-controlled Hoovercraft.  It
has similarities to the Hero Jr. Robot in that it can sense when it's
about to suck up a wall.  But it has troubles telling the difference
between a dust bunnie and a Cat, so you may end up with...
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFOOP!

By the way, if your cat gets FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFOOP'ed into your vacuum
cleaner, the best advice is to change the bag quickly because it starts to
stink after a while.

See also:
  • Cats

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