Light, Speed Of, Why It Is Finite

The Untold Truth About Creation

by Mark Hopkins (mark@omnifest.uwm.edu)
written 11 Apr 1994

This article is classified "Fictional"


Actually, light speed is infinite.  No matter how fast you move to catch
up with it, it's still infinite.  However, God made a mistake when He let
light come into being, ending up being about 10% off in His calculations,
like any good engineer ought to be, and lo and behold infinity accidentally
turned out to be 186,282 miles per second.  And so 186.282 miles per second
is actually an infinite speed.  To cover up His tracks, He forced motion to
exist in such a way that no matter who measured the distance, X, traversed
by the moving object, and the time, T, the object took to move that
distance, the result would always be that X^2 - (c T)^2 would come out the
same, where c is light speed.  Later on, when He brought planets and stars
into being and created gravity and inertia, He had to make a few
adjustments to account for acceleration and the influence of gravity.  It
was really a mess.  He decided that as long as He was at it, He might as
well just simply equate one second to 186.282 times the square root of -1
miles, and then He could explain His mistake by saying "It's the
Pythagorean Theorem now, see?", and so it was that Complex Numbers were
invented along with their first Physical embodiment.

This is apparently not the only time He botched things up.  The first time
He said "Let there be Life" He ended up getting these real tiny slimy
things, like pond scum, and they infested the water.  Once the deed was
done, it was too late.  So in order to cover His tracks, He decided, like
any good engineer, just to tinker about for a while making a few changes
here and there until He worked His way up to humans.  Well anyway, in the
Specs, He originally estimated that He could fix the problems in a few
days, and really it only seemed like a few days passed (it's always like
that when you get into heavy projects), but it took a while longer.
Nevertheless, here we are.  Since nobody else was around He decided to
tell a little fib, exaggerate a little (after all, it SEEMED like only
a day or two and who was going to argue with Him), and proclaim that
Creation lasted a mere week.  The problem is that He didn't cover up His
tracks too well, ending up leaving some of the remains of His prior work
lying about, and to this day keeps trying to sneak in changes while we're
not looking.  Anyhow, He's been getting tired of playing the Life game,
and so decided to teach us how to do it, retire, and let us take on the
task.

There was another time when He screwed up.  When God made Math, He forgot
to finish the job.  You see, He made the apparatus of arithmetic and the
theory of recursive functions so powerful that the very logic used to
prop up these edifices could be mirrored faithfully by arithmetic
computations and functions within.  Unfortunately, around this time, one of
His assistants (I won't name any names here) got the idea to stick in a
math problem that mirrored the statement, "This statement can't be proven
true," and made it impossible for God to finish His job.  Anyhow, God was
in the process of enumerating all the logically possible computations,
arbitrarily judging them to be true or false (and in His Divine Wisdom
always doing it consistently).  When He ran into this little gem,
literally, all hell broke loose.  He tried to fix it by changing the Axioms
around, adding a few here, taking away a few, and the same problem kept
coming up.  And so it was that at the same time, Hell came into being and
the first Persian Flaw too.

Another case: Christian legend has it that almost 2000 years ago, He was
experimenting with the idea of Divine Infusion and ended up accidentally
cramming the entirety of His Infinite Presence into a finite, mortal body
for about 30 years.  The Universe had to be run on autopilot in the
intervening period.  It's a good thing it only happened here on Earth;
Lord only knows what manner of chaos would ensue were He to have pulled
off that same stunt on each of the other billion some-odd alien worlds
out there for 30 years apiece.  He wouldn't even have any time left to
take care of all those God-like things that He's supposed to do.  To this
day, scientists cannot explain how it was accomplished.

See also:
  • i
  • Mathematical Model Of God And Jesus
  • Life After Death
  • Light
  • Hell
  • Metric System
  • Light, Space, Time, And Imagination
  • Invisibility, Practising At Home

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