This article is classified "Fictional"
To solve the question of if sex is a sin in Christianity, the following
model has been constructed. In this model God is a point mass, centered
at the origin of our XYZ space. Christ, we assume, is at the right hand
of God, about 100 centimeters away. His mass is probably around 75
kilograms.
Since God has a very large mass (a bit less than infinity), Christ, who
we assume is in a circular orbit around God, has a very large momentum,
and hence has a very small wavelength. This means that Christ's
uncertainty is quite small, so we can therefore conclude that he is
fairly certain in all that he does.
Now let us consider a sinner. We shall place him at a large distance from
God, say one inch and 45 million light-years. He, being at a constant
distance from God and thus in a circular orbit, and having approximately
the same mass as Christ, will be travelling significantly slower than
Christ, and will therefore be more uncertain. One should also consider,
however, that since Christ's orbit could fit in a kiddie pool, while the
sinner's would encompass not only our galaxy, but a few of the nearby ones
as well, that the sinner gets around more, sees more, and is generally a
more knowledgeable guy than the Savior. This fits in with traditional
wisdom.
Mary, the Mother of Jesus, being a fairly pure person, is close to God.
This means that she must be a fast woman. From this situation we can draw
the conclusion that sinners have a lot more potential than saints, since
less of their energy is stored as kinetic energy. Further insights can be
gained when we look at the situation of the heathen.
A heathen is someone who, in general, is not affected by God. This means
that they are at least an infinite distance from him. Now, assuming that
one of these folk starts, by random causes, to travel towards God, he will
convert his potential energy to kinetic energy during the approach, or
descent. Since he started out an infinite distance away, but with some
kinetic energy of his own, he will approach God on a hyperbolic trajectory
and then disappear into space again, never to be seen again. If his
approach is such that it brings him inside the orbit of The Son of God,
then right after his closest approach, the heathen's velocity will be
greater than Jesus', which means that he will be more sure of himself in
his escape than Christ who is in orbit. This is an interesting notion,
but some of the side ramifications are even more intriguing.
Without any orbiters, therefore, God would not be able to attract anyone;
all approaching bodies would have either parabolic or hyperbolic
trajectories. However, once God has an orbiter, the two of them could
collaborate to capture other bodies. This means that heathens that get
too close to believers in their approaches might get trapped, and by the
same token, believers who are buzzed by heathens could be ejected.
And what, the reader asks at this point, does any of this have to do with
sex? Well, the answer is this: Sex, as we all know, is the union of two
or more people. This, in our analogy, would be represented as a collision.
Now, in Christianity, almost all of the holy figures are male. For God, a
collision between any of these close in folk would be disastrous, because,
even if we assume they are indestructible, such a high energy collision
would either:
A) Eject one of the men out of orbit (becoming a heathen)
B) Cause one of them to fall into God (to die)
C) Give them highly irregular elliptical orbits (becoming a
doubter)
All of these would be bad for God, because in the first two he would lose
orbiters, making His chance at capturing new ones less, and in the third
case He would have a much greater chance of more collisions, as the
elliptical orbiters would cross many of the unaffected circular orbits.
Therefore, God probably disapproves of these collisions.
If anyone is not offended yet, I can use the analogy to prove the verse
in Leviticus, that no man shall wear clothes of two different fabrics.